there is no going back


There is no going backwards I feel so guilty because I used  to  have a career and  be  truly independent life and sure  I am completely  independent now  in terms of being able to look after myself  but l but I still do not  have a job and a not just any  job  but  a  career one which I could  be generous towards .my Trappe and my family  who have Been  so incredibly generous towards. me or at least amazingly  tolerant  of me and  all  of my requirements  which are  legion now  and to think  I used to   be someone that  was capable of inducing the emotion  of pride towards me and who I think  as andrew  AD. I there is nothing to be proud of   well my Trappee  is well and  truly infatuated by  me but I cannot help but think  how short changed she is being      by me every time I find  something  that I used to to do so easily almost without thinking   and the number of these things  are also l increasing I exponentially   and sure  I can do   most things now but to  do it  I need  to concentrate so hard now t it tsjkres away all  of the spontaneity of the action  to  complete the task is lost  I would describe it like  needing  the  concentration that a person walking across a high       but I am just turning around to say goodbye to someone who I am leaving but I deed  to  concentrate so hard on the task at  hand like 

someone walking across a high wire and I must say when my Trappee reasd this all she said, so am I to believe you feel useless   because I cannot turn around to  wave goodbye to someone

  and sure  as  I said I can do it  but I need  to prove  to myself , not to  someone else  but it is me   but this is  so much worse  because    it is myself I am trying  to  prove  it to. And I can tell you i am a very very hard task master. it is alot like my reading which  only recently I could do. I mean here I was a bloody doctor and I could not even read a bloody kid’s book. and I was determined to read again but I enjoyed reading[at1]  lying down at night in bed. But this introduced too much complexity to reading  esach line  on the page and although I could read I neded to [prove it to myself lying down there is no going back  for  me  I strongly believe  there  is no  going backwards in this life. and by god I   have  quite clearly  put my  mantra  to put  to the test


flourishing and determination i can sleep when i am, done

i Have To do something more, this must not be it:   it cannot be it   I am just so grateful to everyone:  for what they have done for me and not just for what everyone  has done   for me since becoming andrew AD,

   but in more ways, even more importantly such as when I was andrew BC   but this cannot be everything. And it is for these reasons and also my exceedingly strong sense of responsibility and there  is  a reason to be  good and to flourish. so where one has an option to flourish and can flourish   then one has a responsibility to do just that and by flourish I am using Aristotle’s definition: it is the highest good of human endeavours

And it is interesting. Tht the only people who re not overly surprised at thow well I have done are my friends  from school and my parents . but by Christ they do not have any idea how difficult it has been

 now to my mind work is a good thing and indeed if we think about work it is where we spend almost 50% of our time well it certainly is where we aspend50%

 and if we take this to its logical inclusion

  by the time, we have turned 30 we  have been  sleeping for 10 years

10 years of our sentient lives by choice.  if we divide up our day into thirds ie. 8-hour sections. we sleep for at least 8 hours generally so this is equivalent to almost a third of our day and if we extend this out to years then by the time w have turned 30 then we have been sleeping for 10 years. I mean just imagine when  you  turn 30 someone coming up to you and giving you a present of 10 years of life   now it gets even more amazing  if you think of Our first 8 years if life is essentially a child when we are not really making  any choices  for ourselves     .and the second 8 years are at A  school of our parents choice. And again, we are not really making any choices for ourselves. Again,

 and the next 8 years we are finally making our own choices. Such a do We go to university or not   or who do we  shack up with this person or not, so you can see we have been truly living for a very short time  by the time we have turned 40. And i do think this is the reason  I  am so  desperate to have another career . and I just have to have another career I  must do this . God godamnmit I am not done yet   I can sleep when I  am done

can intelligence be taught and what is the difference between humans and bacteria

 Can in intelligence be taught or learned now I have had to relearn everything and I mean virtually everything; and I guess if  I had to  to teach intelligence  I  would start with sceptical  inquisitiveness

 the only difference between humans and bacteria: necessity is the mother of all invention: and   bacteria do what we do by written word and communication bacteria do by dividing some more to a different or more resistant order of   bacteria.

 but to elaborate some more: snd yes i can her you sigh as if he would ever be brief when describing the bleeding obvious: the greatest invention is not the wheel or the engine it is writing; having a technique of passing down information to the next generation, what we have learned In  this generation so that  they can move on or forwards  and not  waste their time ,making   the same mistakes

on being disabled

On being disabled: now I was suddenly rendered disabled from competing in a triathlon. I went suddenly to being wheelchair. Bound; and my reflections of being in this predicament were as follows. No one flirts with anyone in a wheel chair: and  ones ability to  work at any   side  board Was also severely curtailed, because one coul;ld ultimately not get close enough to the  side board  we  irt wa and also, not being able to use my left arm meant i was still unable to move. and my god I member being in my kitchen which was quite large. and I could not even get from one end to the other. becsausae I kept turning or veering off to the side no   matter how hard I practiced and the level of frustration.  Almost broke me

I was so deeply depressed I had gone from running a triathlon to siting in a hair that could supposedly move but I could not even do this .and all the while my wife was leaving me and taking my kids with her

 Well I can tell you this did not do anything for my mental health, as I sat in my dam chair in a   silent house As I veered off to hit the wall again. And then I would repeat the effort again. And once again I hit the wall. in my silent house