do not look back

Living with and living through and i have lived through the trauma but now I am living with it well unsurprisingly  it is the latter that is by far the worst and there is  the long interminable . continuance of a life that I   just do not think I should be living  but worse than that it is s a life that I do not want  to have to be live  it is not  just the separation from my friends and family it is the relative isolation from them  all.


now I am from Australia   . where I grew up and it is here that my real friends are. Those who really know me and who I am and more importsnly,

know where I came from: and


it is strange. I am always told I need to look forwards but it is one’s history that predicates one’s future or at   least one’s reactions in  the future and it is this that drives me forwards  trying to ensure my life’s travail’s do not   impact too much   on my children , but it is  a great thanks I must give  thanks to my wife for ensuring toy are  still lively but tht would be   massive understatement or a very great   misrepresentation   of the facts


Socrates can go and take a running jump

Now I have been told my old job is not the same anymore  and I  have come to the  conclusion that  it is not for me but not only that i do not , want to  do it anymore but  I want to do something else that gives me a sense of achievement  and as  Socrates said the examined life is not worth living  but  I can tell him for absolutely nothing :  that the constantly re-examined  life is not much  chop either  now what I  want is my field of dreams because it seems that all I Have  is a barren patch of land with  some decidedly hazy   and sketchy  memories

being a a doctor and not a seamstress

Being a doctor

Now I feel I need to strike a very small   note for the NHS who in more ways than one has been responsible for me being here  today  and more than  almost  anyone  are responsible for making me who I am today and I  am not trying pass the buck  here  or pass the  blame   but I  think even I  need to accept a  modicum of responsibility  for me  ; and also it is all too easy to  denigrate all of he NHS but in reality if it were not for the staff who  do  and love what they do  and very often go  above and beyond what their work contrasts say they should’ be  doing  then and only then  would the  whole NHS grind to  a halt , and and this too is why i  intensely dislike all of those union officials yoou hear on the news, such as bob crow to name but one


and I remember vividly being  a junior house doctor running around  the   wards with white coat and pagers And pens hanging off me  and  when it comes too attire well you Had all the bloke  standing   on a ward round in their long sleeved shirt and tie and essentially  sweltering in the heat of the hospital corridors and then you had all of the female  junior doctors who  could  swan in  to work in a  t-shirt  and flipflops but so long as the t-shirt had some accoutrements such as a sequin or two then that could be considered smart . but we had to wear leather soled shoes and shirt and tie  . and a   consultant  siting us all down to congratulate all of us on our first step to  a long and productive   career and then the  same consultant saying to all of  us that  having lots of pagers was not  a sign of importance – in fact it was quite the opposite  the opposite  and also  having an  ever so slightly hang  dog appearance from working the night before, and listening attentively to the  consultant who was       dispensing his or her words of wisdom  and then there was  the outright   unbridled  fear at doing ones first night on call and realising that you were essentially the back stop for  all of the patients in in the hospital



and this is where consultants fell in to  two brackets there were those who ruled by fear and loathing and then thre were those who were just being bloody good and nice people

And  I  also  I remember Being a registrar in  anaesthetics  and the feeling you had when you turned up to the next patient who was in a bit of a state snd all the other junior doctors turned to you looking with a significant degree of relief that you were there and would take charge and everything would be ok and also I remember there were the surgical registrars and senior house officers  who were  the  complete opposite who turned up invariably with a significant degree of self-importance matched only  by their lack of understanding of their very own patient and my goodness they were  about as useful     as  a seamstress at a Velcro convention  and at any emergency situation  they were similarly useful.

and I do  appreciate i am giving the surgeons a bit of a tough time  here and it is not for me to speculate about their  reasons  for becoming surgeons but very quickly i realised that it would be quite useful to  be able to put  everything back together again after you had chopped out whatever bit of offending body part it was that you were removing and so   a significant part of your training was directed to stitching everything back together again but i could not be bothered  with all of that  i was far more interested in diagnosing the origin of a patients illness rather than stitching everything back together again I mean  I was not  a seamstress  and  as I  ever so slowly I rose up the training ladder of intensive care and anaesthetics ; well I  think it was a very comprehensive training where one felt like one could do everything that the consultants were doing and i to remember becoming  a consultant which necessitated an interview with 10 or 11  people all sitting around a table  snd   I was not  exactly sure how I was supposed took at everyone when you were giving your answers


and I do remember the patient who  we had collectively  saved his  life so that on  intensive care  unit   all he could say was that how unhappy he  was that the surgeons had not  sewn  up his skin  exactly so that the huge out stretched wings of  an eagle  tattooed to   his chest were   uneven , and the irony that he could even complain  was somewhat lost   on this fellow,   but I did not expect this to be otherwise anyway  sand.  this was consistent with my teaching on another teaching   ward round by a lovely consultant who said  to us all what do you think about when you see a tattoo, and he said you want to think about was  hepatitis C and low IQ  and  so began my intense dislike  for  any tattoo’s


ok and also I remember cocking up  completely and I  was rushing around like  all of the other junior doctors did  and I  was working on a cardiology ward where we had all of the patients coming in with infective  endocarditis; which meant  we had to prescribe a small truck load   antibiotics for each patient  and I remember  gathering up  every patient’s t drug chart  on the ward becsausae this was the most time efficient way to  do all of the  drug  prescriptions  for each patient  and  I remember  having the chart for one patient and i thought  it was for another patient   and I prescribed  penicillin  despite there being in very large red ink  warning  allergic to penicillin , and thank god the nurses had begun their  drug  round late

Sent from my Android device with Sync for iCloud Mail. Please excuse my brevity.



i need to belt up and i am a joke present

A friend said to me that I  just  need to belt up. And stop going on about it and BE  the life and soul of a party   now .  I need to  stop living in  the past and I  think I have  come  to the conclusion I want to  start again. And Not just have to start again   But I WANT to start again. and I need Someone else to share it with. because like team work things are always so much better shared and it is like presents, which it is always so much better giving them than receiving them.  not that I am at all equating my new life as being some sort of  present  except perhaps more of a joke present  or a gift by  a friend who loves  to play practical jokes

there is nothing heroic in going to the loo an addendum

There is nothing heroic in going to the loo an addendum_ I feel I need to give this a little bit more    context as to what I really mean. Now this all stemmed from a comment by a GP whom I  whom I had an appointment with for the first time who said I was a bit of a hero and I did not really feel I was doing anything special. other than existing and sure there was a time when it was a truly amazing feat  I could use  the loo by myself. but those days are long gone thank god but so too has the time when I could play and even excel at  aussie rules football . a. and do you know what else I miss is believe it or not i used to be the life and soul  of the party . and since this dam accident I have been accused of being uncoordinated by my physio, and being boring    by some of   my friends. and I guess I was quite boring with my single-minded focus on getting back some semblance of my life


when I was home in Australia I went   to see a football match  and a proper football  match i.e.. ausie rules football as opposed to one where you had those primadonnas running around in their silk tops hugging themselves whilst effing  and blinding  at the  referees

when did people stop asking did Burke and wills say why not

When did people stop saying  did Burke and wills say  why not?

now a little bit of  Australian history:   Burke  and wills  were  two  famous explorers who went on an   ill-fated  exploration through the middle of Australia, and from the outset it sounded completely unachievable or ridiculous ; and  a good friend and i when presented with seemingly  similar odds to our latest suggestion  or  hijinks   – usually involving   beer and a longish trip through a  municipal  park or an ever so  slightly precarious walk along a cliff face towards a beach party; well that was our catch phrase or mantra   did Burke and wills say why we said to each other,   no they said why not!  came the reply and I guess these were the odds   I was given to get my life back on track or indeed to just survive .  but despite everything and everyone telling me how well I have done.  well here I Am and as I have said before that whole am I still me is confined to the past.  but here I am here with my memories not just of what   might have been but what actually  was  and I am so often struck by how many people sell themselves short by asking themselves why instead of  why not

there is nothing heroic in going to the loo

very recently    a   I was booked in to  see   the  gp  whom I  had not seen before and he  described me as being bit of  a  hero   and I  replied to him that whilst  i  was tremendously grateful for his compliment  I felt there   was  nothing   heroic  in going  to the loo; because I felt   that is all I  am achieving just now:  it is the hand  I have been dealt  and now  sure  it is truly awful . and all I am doing is trying to find a way to appear normal as much as   this galls me to say.

while it has also very much been a learning experience for me as i find new ways to function which are completely new to me i.e. ones that I have never had to do before to achieve what it is that I   am trying to achieve . such as  putting on my trousers now this  is  a   supreme act of balance for me and one where I need  to ensure I have  a wall to ,my left hand side in case I  do lose my balance  or then  I have my  emailing and messaging  to my friends  as opposed to just sending my messages I need to ensure I have spelt every word out in full and  I have not  missed out the beginning of the words  and I also need to  send all  of my messages  on my phone to myself so that I can read them in full  as I have written them  where   on the computer  it is much easier  to read my messages   as I have actually written them  and  then  and only  then can  I  send them back to  myself  on  and my phone and then  and only then can  I   send them on to the   incredibly lucky  recipient  of my  latest missive

i am an aechaeologist

I have been told or at least my family was told that I cannot or  could or would not be able to summarise anything or assimilate information or distinguish the main point from a paragraph or a set of information. And, neither would I be able to retain information long enough to do these things and I guess I am still fighting against these preconceptions of who I could be or who I am, but I feel my brain had these paths, in the past or neurological connections in the past.   and My brain is essentially a blank canvas of old roads and pathways running between numerous towns and cities such as each one is called assimilation and summarising and   all I am left doing, is trying to excavate these

is trying to excavate these roads and pathways and also to recreate     these.   in new ways and new directions.  In essence I have become an archaeologist as I try to excavate these  roads and pathways in part to check if they are still functional.


team work

me   how much of our life is team work  and by that  I am not talking   about a 15 man  rugby team : I am talking about  the moments that we share with others  to  get us  by or through our day  and it is this shared sense of responsibility ; that  I really miss the most, with my wife having left me   but I just cannot believe how important it  is to  me

i have finally escaped

I have escaped
I am finally reading a book and I have left the cage of me or my prison long behind – I know this is not exactly revolutionary depending on the choice of book but it is very significant for me, because for all too long or even for the entire length of time of my conferment , I have been stuck with just my own thoughts , to occupy me and I have not been unable to read a book or even a newspaper but instead I have been left with all of my very dark dark thoughts like An enormous fat cow chewing the cud and I have had to look so pleased with my lot for all of those around me and being stuck with my thoughts particularly
is not very healthy obviously, because
i have had to witness seemingly oblivious to the loss of my wife and kids and to me as well And I felt at times an unbearable pressure to be upbeat for all of my scarers
and which I note confinement it is the same term used by women , when they are pregnant but unlike with, me it is the exact opposite in that rather than producing something beautiful at the end of it well I am just me , and I am pretty confident that along with not being pretty like a new born baby I am quite confident that I am not beautiful

sure enough I am reading a short history of nearly everything by bill Bryson- and as if I need to tell you all how introvert I have become or sensitive , well the introduction talks about how tenuous our hold on to life is, and how real change of our species takes a Millennia; And all I can think of is how the one life I have been given I have completely ruined it , despite its promising start ; but my god I am absolutely determined to ensure my life does not impact on my kids, because I have had my chances and these have been so much given what my parents did for me