Living with and living through and i have lived through the trauma but now I am living with it well unsurprisingly it is the latter that is by far the worst and there is the long interminable . continuance of a life that I just do not think I should be living but worse than that it is s a life that I do not want to have to be live it is not just the separation from my friends and family it is the relative isolation from them all.
now I am from Australia . where I grew up and it is here that my real friends are. Those who really know me and who I am and more importsnly,
know where I came from: and
it is strange. I am always told I need to look forwards but it is one’s history that predicates one’s future or at least one’s reactions in the future and it is this that drives me forwards trying to ensure my life’s travail’s do not impact too much on my children , but it is a great thanks I must give thanks to my wife for ensuring toy are still lively but tht would be massive understatement or a very great misrepresentation of the facts
Now I have been told my old job is not the same anymore and I have come to the conclusion that it is not for me but not only that i do not , want to do it anymore but I want to do something else that gives me a sense of achievement and as Socrates said the examined life is not worth living but I can tell him for absolutely nothing : that the constantly re-examined life is not much chop either now what I want is my field of dreams because it seems that all I Have is a barren patch of land with some decidedly hazy and sketchy memories
Being a doctor
Now I feel I need to strike a very small note for the NHS who in more ways than one has been responsible for me being here today and more than almost anyone are responsible for making me who I am today and I am not trying pass the buck here or pass the blame but I think even I need to accept a modicum of responsibility for me ; and also it is all too easy to denigrate all of he NHS but in reality if it were not for the staff who do and love what they do and very often go above and beyond what their work contrasts say they should’ be doing then and only then would the whole NHS grind to a halt , and and this too is why i intensely dislike all of those union officials yoou hear on the news, such as bob crow to name but one
and I remember vividly being a junior house doctor running around the wards with white coat and pagers And pens hanging off me and when it comes too attire well you Had all the bloke standing on a ward round in their long sleeved shirt and tie and essentially sweltering in the heat of the hospital corridors and then you had all of the female junior doctors who could swan in to work in a t-shirt and flipflops but so long as the t-shirt had some accoutrements such as a sequin or two then that could be considered smart . but we had to wear leather soled shoes and shirt and tie . and a consultant siting us all down to congratulate all of us on our first step to a long and productive career and then the same consultant saying to all of us that having lots of pagers was not a sign of importance – in fact it was quite the opposite the opposite and also having an ever so slightly hang dog appearance from working the night before, and listening attentively to the consultant who was dispensing his or her words of wisdom and then there was the outright unbridled fear at doing ones first night on call and realising that you were essentially the back stop for all of the patients in in the hospital
and this is where consultants fell in to two brackets there were those who ruled by fear and loathing and then thre were those who were just being bloody good and nice people
And I also I remember Being a registrar in anaesthetics and the feeling you had when you turned up to the next patient who was in a bit of a state snd all the other junior doctors turned to you looking with a significant degree of relief that you were there and would take charge and everything would be ok and also I remember there were the surgical registrars and senior house officers who were the complete opposite who turned up invariably with a significant degree of self-importance matched only by their lack of understanding of their very own patient and my goodness they were about as useful as a seamstress at a Velcro convention and at any emergency situation they were similarly useful.
and I do appreciate i am giving the surgeons a bit of a tough time here and it is not for me to speculate about their reasons for becoming surgeons but very quickly i realised that it would be quite useful to be able to put everything back together again after you had chopped out whatever bit of offending body part it was that you were removing and so a significant part of your training was directed to stitching everything back together again but i could not be bothered with all of that i was far more interested in diagnosing the origin of a patients illness rather than stitching everything back together again I mean I was not a seamstress and as I ever so slowly I rose up the training ladder of intensive care and anaesthetics ; well I think it was a very comprehensive training where one felt like one could do everything that the consultants were doing and i to remember becoming a consultant which necessitated an interview with 10 or 11 people all sitting around a table snd I was not exactly sure how I was supposed took at everyone when you were giving your answers
and I do remember the patient who we had collectively saved his life so that on intensive care unit all he could say was that how unhappy he was that the surgeons had not sewn up his skin exactly so that the huge out stretched wings of an eagle tattooed to his chest were uneven , and the irony that he could even complain was somewhat lost on this fellow, but I did not expect this to be otherwise anyway sand. this was consistent with my teaching on another teaching ward round by a lovely consultant who said to us all what do you think about when you see a tattoo, and he said you want to think about was hepatitis C and low IQ and so began my intense dislike for any tattoo’s
ok and also I remember cocking up completely and I was rushing around like all of the other junior doctors did and I was working on a cardiology ward where we had all of the patients coming in with infective endocarditis; which meant we had to prescribe a small truck load antibiotics for each patient and I remember gathering up every patient’s t drug chart on the ward becsausae this was the most time efficient way to do all of the drug prescriptions for each patient and I remember having the chart for one patient and i thought it was for another patient and I prescribed penicillin despite there being in very large red ink warning allergic to penicillin , and thank god the nurses had begun their drug round late
Sent from my Android device with Sync for iCloud Mail. Please excuse my brevity.
A friend said to me that I just need to belt up. And stop going on about it and BE the life and soul of a party now . I need to stop living in the past and I think I have come to the conclusion I want to start again. And Not just have to start again But I WANT to start again. and I need Someone else to share it with. because like team work things are always so much better shared and it is like presents, which it is always so much better giving them than receiving them. not that I am at all equating my new life as being some sort of present except perhaps more of a joke present or a gift by a friend who loves to play practical jokes
There is nothing heroic in going to the loo an addendum_ I feel I need to give this a little bit more context as to what I really mean. Now this all stemmed from a comment by a GP whom I whom I had an appointment with for the first time who said I was a bit of a hero and I did not really feel I was doing anything special. other than existing and sure there was a time when it was a truly amazing feat I could use the loo by myself. but those days are long gone thank god but so too has the time when I could play and even excel at aussie rules football . a. and do you know what else I miss is believe it or not i used to be the life and soul of the party . and since this dam accident I have been accused of being uncoordinated by my physio, and being boring by some of my friends. and I guess I was quite boring with my single-minded focus on getting back some semblance of my life
when I was home in Australia I went to see a football match and a proper football match i.e.. ausie rules football as opposed to one where you had those primadonnas running around in their silk tops hugging themselves whilst effing and blinding at the referees
When did people stop saying did Burke and wills say why not?
now a little bit of Australian history: Burke and wills were two famous explorers who went on an ill-fated exploration through the middle of Australia, and from the outset it sounded completely unachievable or ridiculous ; and a good friend and i when presented with seemingly similar odds to our latest suggestion or hijinks – usually involving beer and a longish trip through a municipal park or an ever so slightly precarious walk along a cliff face towards a beach party; well that was our catch phrase or mantra did Burke and wills say why we said to each other, no they said why not! came the reply and I guess these were the odds I was given to get my life back on track or indeed to just survive . but despite everything and everyone telling me how well I have done. well here I Am and as I have said before that whole am I still me is confined to the past. but here I am here with my memories not just of what might have been but what actually was and I am so often struck by how many people sell themselves short by asking themselves why instead of why not
very recently a I was booked in to see the gp whom I had not seen before and he described me as being bit of a hero and I replied to him that whilst i was tremendously grateful for his compliment I felt there was nothing heroic in going to the loo; because I felt that is all I am achieving just now: it is the hand I have been dealt and now sure it is truly awful . and all I am doing is trying to find a way to appear normal as much as this galls me to say.
while it has also very much been a learning experience for me as i find new ways to function which are completely new to me i.e. ones that I have never had to do before to achieve what it is that I am trying to achieve . such as putting on my trousers now this is a supreme act of balance for me and one where I need to ensure I have a wall to ,my left hand side in case I do lose my balance or then I have my emailing and messaging to my friends as opposed to just sending my messages I need to ensure I have spelt every word out in full and I have not missed out the beginning of the words and I also need to send all of my messages on my phone to myself so that I can read them in full as I have written them where on the computer it is much easier to read my messages as I have actually written them and then and only then can I send them back to myself on and my phone and then and only then can I send them on to the incredibly lucky recipient of my latest missive
I have been told or at least my family was told that I cannot or could or would not be able to summarise anything or assimilate information or distinguish the main point from a paragraph or a set of information. And, neither would I be able to retain information long enough to do these things and I guess I am still fighting against these preconceptions of who I could be or who I am, but I feel my brain had these paths, in the past or neurological connections in the past. and My brain is essentially a blank canvas of old roads and pathways running between numerous towns and cities such as each one is called assimilation and summarising and all I am left doing, is trying to excavate these
is trying to excavate these roads and pathways and also to recreate these. in new ways and new directions. In essence I have become an archaeologist as I try to excavate these roads and pathways in part to check if they are still functional.
me how much of our life is team work and by that I am not talking about a 15 man rugby team : I am talking about the moments that we share with others to get us by or through our day and it is this shared sense of responsibility ; that I really miss the most, with my wife having left me but I just cannot believe how important it is to me
I have escaped
I am finally reading a book and I have left the cage of me or my prison long behind – I know this is not exactly revolutionary depending on the choice of book but it is very significant for me, because for all too long or even for the entire length of time of my conferment , I have been stuck with just my own thoughts , to occupy me and I have not been unable to read a book or even a newspaper but instead I have been left with all of my very dark dark thoughts like An enormous fat cow chewing the cud and I have had to look so pleased with my lot for all of those around me and being stuck with my thoughts particularly
is not very healthy obviously, because
i have had to witness seemingly oblivious to the loss of my wife and kids and to me as well And I felt at times an unbearable pressure to be upbeat for all of my scarers
and which I note confinement it is the same term used by women , when they are pregnant but unlike with, me it is the exact opposite in that rather than producing something beautiful at the end of it well I am just me , and I am pretty confident that along with not being pretty like a new born baby I am quite confident that I am not beautiful
sure enough I am reading a short history of nearly everything by bill Bryson- and as if I need to tell you all how introvert I have become or sensitive , well the introduction talks about how tenuous our hold on to life is, and how real change of our species takes a Millennia; And all I can think of is how the one life I have been given I have completely ruined it , despite its promising start ; but my god I am absolutely determined to ensure my life does not impact on my kids, because I have had my chances and these have been so much given what my parents did for me