i am ot going to be a cripple any more

but i  am still most definitely going   to  be  verbally inappropriate

My word I am not going to be cripple any more which I mostly expected  I would-be but now I know that  I absolutely    am not going to be  any more; but I still seem to be needing to prove myself to  everyone I encounter and this is where I  feel I I need to ask you to read my chapter on being  an archaeologist – where i talk about having  had the correct   neural pathways once before and all I am needing to do is to excavate them, and my physical rehab   has  been so much easier to quantify,

but in essence my physical rehab has allowed me to get to the point where I need to use my cognitive pathways . for instance today I was in my favourite cafe and I had to remember the names of all  of the waitressing staff   and    I could arrange  to meet someone I  needed to discuss with  about lecture I was going  to be giving . so, this is why my physical rehab has been so vital to my cognitive rehab

but  I still need someone else to love and to be able to think about  if for  nothing else to take my mind off myself and my god I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I am just   so boring

random compliments

I have been told  by a chap in the swimming pool how well,  I have done  and I do not really know him  he is just a chap   who has been coming to the pool for quite a while  and has  indirectly seen my progress that  I  have made  and  he said to me that I need  to  keep up all   of my exercises that i have been undoubtedly  doing, and he too said to me that many people would not have come so  far with their recovery and this chimes with what my  school friends and mother said to me , now:

my mother knows me pretty well and    she was a  nurse and despite this  was  fairly practical  and appropriate,  and sensible and  I was quite surprised when she said to me that  it was only because of my dogged determination that I have come so  far.

 

as where I cannot think everyone in the same circumstance would have done similarly

exercise depression and the spiders web .

Exercise and depression

muscles, fat cells, and liver release a variety of molecules into the bloodstream. Some of these molecules which circulate through the body and where they can cross the blood-brain barrier. Once inside, they trigger a cascade of beneficial changes that can make one feel sharper and happier: one crucial change is the release of a growth hormone called brain-derived neurotrophic factor, or BDNF. When it comes to exercise’s positive effects on the brain, BDNF is  first and foremost.

And there is always the Chicken and egg argument  delivered  by those couch potatoes  i.e. is it the exercise on its own per se or is  it just  the mere fact of doing something that one enjoys  that leads to the improvements in mood and memory .

our brains are like a spiders web of connections with  links between different parts of the web  and  these links allow the brain to   combine  what  we are seeing with what  we are moving with our hands, all the while whilst listening to our kids squabbling over the  remote control and it is the BDNF that is responsible for strengthening these connections, ‘hence the runners high ‘ and this leads me onto  another benefit of the connections between different areas of the brain –    and the more one practices using these connections then the more strongly they are held or formed ; so what this means is it is  important to do exercise as well as practice  the executive functions  of  the brain –  it is a little bit like trying to grow grass without any fertiliser and in this analogy  the EDNF IS equivalent to the fertiliser; and which connections  are strengthened are  all dependant on us, so returning, to the grass analogy if we want there to be a very good covering of grass next to the house then we will need  to ensure we put a lot of seed there   , and if you want to ensure your memory retains its  clarity then you will need to practice using this  and I am almost proof positive that this can be achieved  because this is  exactly what has happened me.  My slate was essentially  wiped clean or it was definitively  removed from me. but the cleanliness of my  slate must be considered  under review , because I am Australian , assuming I still have any  slate left  to me   and I am  tempted to title this post the runners high and grass  growing  because I am pretty certain that the thought police would not be too happy with this

wistful contemplation

Wistful contemplation

Is this all a human life    is?:  can it be just reduced to wistful contemplation because. sure, I have clearly not died i am pretty certain there are no such things as ghosts well certainly not ones that can type.  I guess I am feeling like  that is all I have now is my memories  because liv has made it  plainly clear to  me that there is  no going back

I have recently been presenting my story and how it  was that  I have come to be so   much of a doughnut  and  how my family were told by the supposed exerts that I would end up not a lot better than a dodgy Brussel  sprout      and how  it was that I lost everything that was dear to me dear to me.

First there   was  my wife and my family and career   but  not in  one foul  swoop    and how it is  I have come  to be so and this presentation has  got me to  thinking about all of these things  that I have lost and sure  they are not completely removed from me but it is so far from what I ever thought I  would have when I had a family and I cannot really  hope for any more than wistful contemplation but it does Make me think because liv and i were so close,  and    given that is all I have now   is this  wistful contemplation . but it does make, me think is this  all we   are   is it just memories of times   past and in essence I have had the absolute marvellous opportunity to experience death and the  second coming but without the beard  and  the walking on water ,  or any other adulation and so it is i have  been  given the   chance to die to all of my loved ones   but also to  come back from death     with my memories of what was , and to  think about what  I had, and perhaps this is all one can  expect to have is  to give ones children or loved ones memories of what is possible or achievable – and it is here that lies immortality

not everyone is perfect

Not everyone  is  perfect        not everyone remembers everything  every  time. and there are   times when everyone forgets their mug of coffee and i have been thinking each of these small slip ups are emblematic of my brain injury  and not everyone remembers everything  very time and do I not know that given my unwanted experience of  the scarers   and    and given my   sense of humour  i would  just  love to see the shiver ruining down their  spine as thry read this

lets hear it for men

Lts hesr it  for men

Now given everything that is swirling around  in the news at the moment  and the social media given feminism  and the    LGBT movement , well you may be mistaken   To think men are  truly subservient or worse of  secondary importance as opposed to being  the glue tht sticks everything together  in more ways than just one ; and this  is  the purpose of this  piece or it could be argued it is a cry for the facts to  come  out   or for them  to  be a little bit  more widely appreciated   and sure  I can hear you all  say

I am just An Australian chauvinist but this is purely factual   and only the fats will be recorded here.

Well there is s strong movement to remove the role of men at present such that a man must earn the money for the family and also be the shoulder to cry on for his wife and also he, must   cook and clean,

and look after the kids as well as earning the family income

now from the moment one has their first child:  all of the   warning signs are  present in  the delivery room  for all  to   see and men  ignore these at your peril : well at  my first born I was directed to the corner of the  delivery suite  by the mad- wife whose sole concern   was  to ensure I was properly and    rightly denigrated for putting  your  wife into  this  this position  now I  am no expert in this because I  was just   a lowly intensive care consultant  as opposed to an obstetric and gynaecology consultant but I  am pretty certain that she had a small or significant  role to play in  creating this  disaster.   now from then on it goes  from  distinctly bad to quite definitely worse,   as if you thought that could be  at all possible  as   firstly you get to  see your wife  cry out in pain and fear and then meanwhile  all  you can hear between  all of  the yelling in a very confined  hospital room is the  mad-wife glowering at you for all that  you have done to your wife   who is  presently wailing like a banshee and as  you get to the  end of this  oncoming train crash you are  still quite nervous, not just for your wife but also  for your unborn child  as  well  and  all you can think of,  are all of the I previous  disasters that you have been called to  as  a  doctor . and then as if this were not enough the aforementioned mad-wife then asks you if you want to come to the business end of the proceedings of your wife and  cut the chord    but no should come  the answerbecauase you want to  remember how it was   as oposed to being  left with any memories of how it is as if you  did not have enough mental scarring of the day’s  events.  Now I was very certain I do not want to be left with any more mental scars. and then your wife rolls over and says I want another one not realising the abject terror you have just gone through. And compounding it all are all of the friends and relatives who focus on just your wife  and  are practically ignoring  you like apiece of chewing gum on the pavement because for  years and months at lest you will  still have the mental  scars  of which your wife is  blissfully  ignorant of your terror  and   once again  you  are required to  stand  strong. As if nothing had happened it all  was just like a normal day , and heaven help the husband who  does not show some sort of solidarity with his blissfully ignorant wife a who   gets all of the ayurvedic head massages  I mean just how many heads can one person have. And most t importantly you do not want the head  fixed  but you want the business end all returned to some  semblance of normality or beauty

searching FOR ME

Both metaphorically  and quite literally I feel I  am just old  news now and i do  not  seem to be able   to  speed  anything   up other than the rapid  march   of time, and I  went to lunch today with my family and liv asked me  if I would ever give up  on  my search for a job or for  some meaning , but I guess this is my answer , because for  me  my life was very much  defined by my  job which was not so much an occupation it was a vocation, it was me   and in more ways than I care to mention  i guess  this  is  what  I have been doing is searching for me . and it is a new me but one that   is left  with  the  memories of what  could have  been and I am just trying to  stay  consistent with these