Use it or lose it so they say :

 today I had my session of martial arts.  which is mostly balance exercising and before: anyone reading this is under some sort of complete misapprehension that I am going to become the next black belt in martial arts. well i am pretty certain that I still would not be able to land a head kick on the most diminutive of snow white’s seven friends.

   and this reminds me of  a friend  at university who also was quite proficient at  martial arts  and the only time he ever needed it was at  a  pub when he used to get quite lippy  because he felt he was a black belt and  could  handle himself now I am no expert here but I am pretty certain  that Having  a black belt did not  furnish one  with any great  fighting abilities after the said person had drunk enough beer to drown the entire population of Bangalore  and also,

  my pacifist tendencies were given fulsome support each and every  time this person came back to  the college with his tail between his legs because  he had  suffered  yet another defeat  at the local: and  despite being led to believe that I could  expect  the many gains  I have made will start to tail  off  soon because it has been7yesrs  YEARS since my accident   and after my martial  arts session, well: I  was quite happy;  that I am still making improvements    and I actually halved the time  it   used to take me to do the run and sure there are not any metrics or measurements I  can  compare  my balance  with but  the instructor was certainly  very impressed with  the improvements I have made and this tally ‘s: with what  I have been  doing and what  I believe.  That

  the neuronal pathways were there prior to my accident when I was andrew BC and now all I need to do is to provide the neurons  with the correct   stimulus to open up again  because they were  there(  the pathways )  as Andrew BC    and they were definitely there as andrewBC   and yes I do believe I  can get back  to  where i was, well. I bloody   well, will just have to because there is no other option as  I see it, Aything lees woylfr just be that less but I think this goes for the whole brain rehab  and my  cognitive  developments such as my memory and  my  clarity of thinking : in that hey were there before and I just need to ensure there is  the correct stimulus    to assure they are Appropriately  reformed  

Team work relationships are team work:   and it is this I have been missing but  I  now have with my trappee: relationships are a sense of shared responsibility/: And it is this sense  of life  being more  than  something    than  just me,  it is a sense of  purpose and just like the functioning of our  physical body; it is team work like no other. and so too with  our brain; why should it not need  bit of team work  the functioning of our body is team work like no other; for instance when we cut ourselves our  blood clotting system needs to be working and our digestive system needs to be working to ensure all of the nutrients are in  the right place and the right time , and then obviously we our circulatory system must to be spot on. so that the clotting factors can get to the area quickly   ,   and so it is with our brain: our brain  or what little I have of it Still : well it more than ever needs someone to bounce ideas off  : someone to be encouraging. With  wink and a nudge  for the many many many times it  Wanders  off into a period of  self-indulgent melancholy ; and indeed it can  be this that is  immortality for us all; it is the environment we have created  for our children to grow up  in and they in turn  will create for their children and so on and so on

It is not a physical exhaustion it is a mental drip drip away that leaches away from you   as you realise you are making the same mistakes again and again. And no, it is not anything actively that you are doing wrong like someone doing something wrong on purpose: but it is the slow realisation that your body is not going to do what is being asked of it again.  Because if it was something you were actively choosing or  something were doing wrong you ewould just change it – i mean it is not complicated would just change it . I mean it would not be difficult but it is the slow realisation that you’re not going to be doing  it  incorrectly again  And this is as elegant As I can describe it,   and this   is  why I Have been saying  my body  has become a   bloody wife. In that it can do it but it just bloody wont  

My reading now it was quite a long time ago when I Could not even read at all, it was because of my homonymous hemianopia, which meant each line of a book was left overlying the line below it and also there was the other aspect of my left sided homonymous hemianopia. Which also meant I missed the first part or the left hand side of each word which essentially resulted in: if I was reading about a pancake I would be left wondering why the person was flipping a cake but not even the giant writing of a children’s picture   books. Could I read to my kids?

But yes, these were very dark days indeed both metaphorically and in reality:  I mean I was a   doctor I had to be able to read again I just had to

but  No, I had to memorise each page of the children’s picture books  in order to ‘read’ them to my kids  and again I am left being the complete human contradiction  where I am giving my kids 50p pieces for    each book they read and  here I was not even being able to read myself, and my god the level of the things I went to  try to do to compensate for my not seeing the  beginning of each word ,  I even tried to have a computer program that will convert any text to one that I could read which was where  for each word  would have  the first letter highlighted in red   and  . and then there was the most enormous or cumbersome device made for me by the physio which Allowed me to read each line by itself which stopped the overlapping line issue

and there is   vision which is also so essential to our day to day functioning. For instance there are limits to what one can remember, and these limits are also distinctly restrictive to a person who  has left half of his  brain  by road side  or  in the surgical bucket of detritus ; such as  when   remembering where we have put our glass of drink or coffee on the table  in front of us.  But my god it made finding the car in a car park very difficult ; we Are Visual creatures such as  when we walk through our living room we  can just scan the Living room for our wallet and keys , and if we have just left them behind then when we  see them they become a visual prompt to take the,m, vision is  a  back  up to our memory

Titanic shadows and cognitive development can  you believe it but it has been implied of me  yes of me that i would argue with  my own shadow. But I. Must admit to taking a deliberately contrary line or point of view even  if  I do not  agree with  it but I see it as a  test of wits  and the final  most independent arbiter is obviously. Myself where if I can get any sign from the person  with whom I am  debating my point  that they can  see i have a correct argument or they  can   see my point of  view  and ; there  is  one  chap  at the. Pool that I go to   and he.is constantly  chatting   and he Is a Cornish fishermen and for very obvious reasons  call him titanic  and I tell him  that  his wife’s  ears must be purely  decorative , because otherwise she would be driven mad or deaf by all  of his chuntering, which also brings me to  the  most pertinent point   can one be driven deaf by one’s own voice, and I am also reminded ,of seagulls which squawk incessantly

A friend replied to my question. My life has just all been for didly squat  with the following I said  obviously I am very grateful and i will  struggle to live up to your sentiments  and are you sure they were actually meant for  me  or some other angelic demigod

s life ever sums to squat. I’ve done engineering, law, finance, business; studied at Melbourne, ANU, Cambridge and Harvard; done a range of amazing roles & responsibilities; managed $100+ million in other people’s money; know many millionaires/billionaires … but still don’t have a job!  (Go figure!)  I haven’t had anything like what you’ve experienced over the past decade, yet I selfishly say the same thing: “What has my life amounted to?  It’s all for naught.”  Obviously, flagrantly, patently false in extremis.

Think of the hundreds of people’s lives you directly impacted as a doc and (most fundamentally) as a mutual member of our common man: all your countless patients, your fellow doctors, your students, family & friends across the globe — astounding!  You’ve made a profound impact on the world!  I use your example of outright determination, hard work and conviction to achieve; I use that example, your (!) example with my kids and others all the time, to inspire greatness in others … and it works!

I openly admit that I am fundamentally incapable of understanding/comprehending what you’ve been through. But (in my humble opinion) it is that unfathomably unique experience that you can contribute to the world and much more … whether through doing a doco re your life, educational/teaching, a book re your experience, or something different again.

And my reply well obviously I was exceedingly grateful  and I  did wonder if his  words were really meant  for  me or someone else and I  will endeavour to  live up  to  your words and  I said  obviously I am very grateful for  your sentiments  and are you sure they  actually meant for  me  or some other angelic demigod

Can you be immunised against mental illness; well of course you cannot  but  i am certainly feeling on the edge of depression as opposed to the edge of reason ; but  I can certainly tell how  this social  distancing  does s not  do wonders for anyone with  faintest hint of depression : I mean I have been left with the greatest tragedy : which is a gift left given  and what is it that  person with half a brain  can give well it is my  corrective sarcasm, which is in  itself  a massive compliment to the  lucky  recipient’ because   i  am assuming the person has  an ability to learn

Unsteady  by  x Ambassadors  now  this is  a great song but it sort of  makes me  think which is never a good thing  despite it being  despite it Being   amazing  or deeply worrying for the lucky recipients of my thoughts but they should; rest  assured that it is amazing that  I can even think at all  but here I am having lost absolutely everything that I ever held dear to me: now if you  would permit me  a little bit of  unabashed  self-indulgent  wrist slitting here . no sure I have not actually died but I do just feel I may well have; but not in a suicidal way .  but FUCK IT   THIS is   not me??!!  I am  so much better than this bag of  of morosity  or this  fucking   pessimistic  but  here I am sitting again writing at my computer; lonely having lost my   my wife and kids and my occupation and  sure  I  have woken up  and the game has changed but I  still have to make  the best of it  and I   Have  so  much to look forward to  which includes  my  computer game  and getting my rhyme;  lub  dub   published and there is getting my website up and running  daddy day care

the incident The past and

Wow  and bloody hell it is almost 10 years  since my moment of madness I mean 10 years  YEARS.  Since I was standing on the start line in my gimp suit with a whole heap of  of  other rubber gimps lined up on the start line   of the triathlon I mean there I was  an NHS  consultant in intensive care medicine and  the associate professor of medical  law and ethics , and a happily married man and father to three children;  all  it took was 5 seconds or  less probably  for me to have my cycling accident   and sure   I effectively died indeed I did on the operating table  when I had  a   cardiac  arrest and the anaesthetist  a friend and colleague  had  to get out the   defibrillator for me  when i somewhat unexpectedly   decided  to cheek he was awake still and I  had a  had a cardiac arrest.

 and the intervening period of time

and in the intervening period I have had to witness the loss of myself as an independent at and  private adult   and  the loss of my wife and my life : and  I  was   seemingly helpless  to it all   to  what  was  going on  In front of me ; because I was effectively in  a   locked in state like a dispassionate,  or disinterested observer  watching a  a raging bull or an  unstoppable and uncontrollable force. Raging through the embers of my life

and  oh yes as if this  was  not  enough I got to witness the loss of myself as I  knew him to be and the loss of my career which was not just a career but  it was a vocation  for me indeed it was my whole essence,  and as much as it was my personal identity my career  and   this catalogue  of tragedies was all   witnessed by a succession of  well-meaning strangers, to whom  am incredibly grateful  t and indeed   as  I sit here  even now 10 years on  at my computer writing this f I am still welling up  with  tears as I  think about the wrist slitting summary of  my life.

 The future

and now. only now  i  feel I am back to myself  but only just  I  am endeavouring to  carve out   a new-life well one that  has  any meaning   for  me   a life that is centred on helping others or in a way that has some significance to  them  such as giving a series of  inspirational lectures and becoming a life coach  but now  I am ready to  face my next challenge .ie one were i  return to   a meaningful existence ; and  not just existing . my god I believe in a meritocracy, and I am bloody determined to get back to  some sort of emeritus life, or  a life worthy  of merit.  as much f or me and slso firjny kids brecsuse   it is essential to lead by  example  

Welcome to my new wife

Well; firstly let me tell you there will not be many young lady’s crying as they read the title to this blog and when i say many you can read any :
this is the is background to a preparation or a lecture I am to give to the stroke group

All I am saying is it will become much more difficult to learn new skills but I am definitely not saying that you cannot ever learn a new skill but

you can expect to find it incredibly hard to develop new abilities you did not have before your Stroke or accident such as standing to put on shoes and socks but when it comes to doing things you have always done much as buttering your toast , with your affected hand . well these finer skills will also take little longer to master but I do think you will find it very difficult to develop new abilities such as  standing  to put on your shoes and socks but this s is absolutely not to say you will not ever be able to learn new skills I mean the brain is a pretty amazing thing when you think about it – which is in itself something I have only been recently unable to do is to think well with any conviction I mean just to be think is for for me is pretty amazing

there are approximately 67 billion neurons up there well in yours but not mime, and there are countless more connections as well; and if you if you follow this to  its logical conclusion it is absolutely amazing to think that we came from nothing our brains have developed from nothing at all just happenstance and bizarre or circumstantial meeting of atoms  and-these atoms   just happened to  twitch into life

and ‘all’ @@ !!?it takes to be able to be able to learn a new skill and to relearn  an old one is to put down some new connections and what is different about my brain well I have become acutely or suddenly stupid or thick As mince and l also I have countless neurons switched on opposing my neurons which are correctly attempting to complete a given task and these auxiliary neurons that are also switched on these are working against me ie, they are activating the muscles that oppose those  very muscles that are correctly attempting to complete a task, I mean my body has become a wife . now it can do it but it just bloody wont

and no I have not always Had a servant dedicated d to buttering my toast And also no I was not get born with a silver spoon in my mouth: I remember my mother retelling us we always had what we needed but not always have what we wanted; which obviously begs the question, based on whose assessment!!?, but I think I may be a little bit more obstreperous now- and yes my mother had it so easy with me as a son:  but with time comes cynicism and a tiny bit of obstreperousness.  and yes also cantankerousness but not any loss  of determination and it is this later  adjective that will serve you so well when you are on your rehab plan and think of all of those  neurons  up there  and of the connections that  are  just waiting  to  form a new pathway to achieving a goal