2018
- 8 – 0the triathlon begins – 2018-02-01 12:17
2018
2018
THERE IS NO GOING BACK
There is no going backwards I feel so guilty because I used to have a career and be truly independent life and sure I am completely independent now in terms of being able to look after myself but l but I still do not have a job and a not just any job but a career one which I could be generous towards .my Trappe and my family who have Been so incredibly generous towards. me or at least amazingly tolerant of me and all of my requirements which are legion now and to think I used to be someone that was capable of inducing the emotion of pride towards me and who I think as andrew AD. I there is nothing to be proud of well my Trappee is well and truly infatuated by me but I cannot help but think how short changed she is being by me every time I find something that I used to to do so easily almost without thinking and the number of these things are also l increasing I exponentially and sure I can do most things now but to do it I need to concentrate so hard now t it tsjkres away all of the spontaneity of the action to complete the task is lost I would describe it like needing the concentration that a person walking across a high but I am just turning around to say goodbye to someone who I am leaving but I deed to concentrate so hard on the task at hand like
someone walking across a high wire and I must say when my Trappee reasd this all she said, so am I to believe you feel useless because I cannot turn around to wave goodbye to someone
and sure as I said I can do it but I need to prove to myself , not to someone else but it is me but this is so much worse because it is myself I am trying to prove it to. And I can tell you i am a very very hard task master. it is alot like my reading which only recently I could do. I mean here I was a bloody doctor and I could not even read a bloody kid’s book. and I was determined to read again but I enjoyed reading[at1] lying down at night in bed. But this introduced too much complexity to reading esach line on the page and although I could read I neded to [prove it to myself lying down there is no going back for me I strongly believe there is no going backwards in this life. and by god I have quite clearly put my mantra to put to the test
i Have To do something more, this must not be it: it cannot be it I am just so grateful to everyone: for what they have done for me and not just for what everyone has done for me since becoming andrew AD,
but in more ways, even more importantly such as when I was andrew BC but this cannot be everything. And it is for these reasons and also my exceedingly strong sense of responsibility and there is a reason to be good and to flourish. so where one has an option to flourish and can flourish then one has a responsibility to do just that and by flourish I am using Aristotle’s definition: it is the highest good of human endeavours
And it is interesting. Tht the only people who re not overly surprised at thow well I have done are my friends from school and my parents . but by Christ they do not have any idea how difficult it has been
now to my mind work is a good thing and indeed if we think about work it is where we spend almost 50% of our time well it certainly is where we aspend50%
and if we take this to its logical inclusion
by the time, we have turned 30 we have been sleeping for 10 years
10 years of our sentient lives by choice. if we divide up our day into thirds ie. 8-hour sections. we sleep for at least 8 hours generally so this is equivalent to almost a third of our day and if we extend this out to years then by the time w have turned 30 then we have been sleeping for 10 years. I mean just imagine when you turn 30 someone coming up to you and giving you a present of 10 years of life now it gets even more amazing if you think of Our first 8 years if life is essentially a child when we are not really making any choices for ourselves .and the second 8 years are at A school of our parents choice. And again, we are not really making any choices for ourselves. Again,
and the next 8 years we are finally making our own choices. Such a do We go to university or not or who do we shack up with this person or not, so you can see we have been truly living for a very short time by the time we have turned 40. And i do think this is the reason I am so desperate to have another career . and I just have to have another career I must do this . God godamnmit I am not done yet I can sleep when I am done
Can in intelligence be taught or learned now I have had to relearn everything and I mean virtually everything; and I guess if I had to to teach intelligence I would start with sceptical inquisitiveness
the only difference between humans and bacteria: necessity is the mother of all invention: and bacteria do what we do by written word and communication bacteria do by dividing some more to a different or more resistant order of bacteria.
but to elaborate some more: snd yes i can her you sigh as if he would ever be brief when describing the bleeding obvious: the greatest invention is not the wheel or the engine it is writing; having a technique of passing down information to the next generation, what we have learned In this generation so that they can move on or forwards and not waste their time ,making the same mistakes
On being disabled: now I was suddenly rendered disabled from competing in a triathlon. I went suddenly to being wheelchair. Bound; and my reflections of being in this predicament were as follows. No one flirts with anyone in a wheel chair: and ones ability to work at any side board Was also severely curtailed, because one coul;ld ultimately not get close enough to the side board we irt wa and also, not being able to use my left arm meant i was still unable to move. and my god I member being in my kitchen which was quite large. and I could not even get from one end to the other. becsausae I kept turning or veering off to the side no matter how hard I practiced and the level of frustration. Almost broke me
I was so deeply depressed I had gone from running a triathlon to siting in a hair that could supposedly move but I could not even do this .and all the while my wife was leaving me and taking my kids with her
Well I can tell you this did not do anything for my mental health, as I sat in my dam chair in a silent house As I veered off to hit the wall again. And then I would repeat the effort again. And once again I hit the wall. in my silent house