A friend replied to my question. My life has just all been for didly squat  with the following I said  obviously I am very grateful and i will  struggle to live up to your sentiments  and are you sure they were actually meant for  me  or some other angelic demigod

s life ever sums to squat. I’ve done engineering, law, finance, business; studied at Melbourne, ANU, Cambridge and Harvard; done a range of amazing roles & responsibilities; managed $100+ million in other people’s money; know many millionaires/billionaires … but still don’t have a job!  (Go figure!)  I haven’t had anything like what you’ve experienced over the past decade, yet I selfishly say the same thing: “What has my life amounted to?  It’s all for naught.”  Obviously, flagrantly, patently false in extremis.

Think of the hundreds of people’s lives you directly impacted as a doc and (most fundamentally) as a mutual member of our common man: all your countless patients, your fellow doctors, your students, family & friends across the globe — astounding!  You’ve made a profound impact on the world!  I use your example of outright determination, hard work and conviction to achieve; I use that example, your (!) example with my kids and others all the time, to inspire greatness in others … and it works!

I openly admit that I am fundamentally incapable of understanding/comprehending what you’ve been through. But (in my humble opinion) it is that unfathomably unique experience that you can contribute to the world and much more … whether through doing a doco re your life, educational/teaching, a book re your experience, or something different again.

And my reply well obviously I was exceedingly grateful  and I  did wonder if his  words were really meant  for  me or someone else and I  will endeavour to  live up  to  your words and  I said  obviously I am very grateful for  your sentiments  and are you sure they  actually meant for  me  or some other angelic demigod

Can you be immunised against mental illness; well of course you cannot  but  i am certainly feeling on the edge of depression as opposed to the edge of reason ; but  I can certainly tell how  this social  distancing  does s not  do wonders for anyone with  faintest hint of depression : I mean I have been left with the greatest tragedy : which is a gift left given  and what is it that  person with half a brain  can give well it is my  corrective sarcasm, which is in  itself  a massive compliment to the  lucky  recipient’ because   i  am assuming the person has  an ability to learn

Unsteady  by  x Ambassadors  now  this is  a great song but it sort of  makes me  think which is never a good thing  despite it being  despite it Being   amazing  or deeply worrying for the lucky recipients of my thoughts but they should; rest  assured that it is amazing that  I can even think at all  but here I am having lost absolutely everything that I ever held dear to me: now if you  would permit me  a little bit of  unabashed  self-indulgent  wrist slitting here . no sure I have not actually died but I do just feel I may well have; but not in a suicidal way .  but FUCK IT   THIS is   not me??!!  I am  so much better than this bag of  of morosity  or this  fucking   pessimistic  but  here I am sitting again writing at my computer; lonely having lost my   my wife and kids and my occupation and  sure  I  have woken up  and the game has changed but I  still have to make  the best of it  and I   Have  so  much to look forward to  which includes  my  computer game  and getting my rhyme;  lub  dub   published and there is getting my website up and running  daddy day care

the incident The past and

Wow  and bloody hell it is almost 10 years  since my moment of madness I mean 10 years  YEARS.  Since I was standing on the start line in my gimp suit with a whole heap of  of  other rubber gimps lined up on the start line   of the triathlon I mean there I was  an NHS  consultant in intensive care medicine and  the associate professor of medical  law and ethics , and a happily married man and father to three children;  all  it took was 5 seconds or  less probably  for me to have my cycling accident   and sure   I effectively died indeed I did on the operating table  when I had  a   cardiac  arrest and the anaesthetist  a friend and colleague  had  to get out the   defibrillator for me  when i somewhat unexpectedly   decided  to cheek he was awake still and I  had a  had a cardiac arrest.

 and the intervening period of time

and in the intervening period I have had to witness the loss of myself as an independent at and  private adult   and  the loss of my wife and my life : and  I  was   seemingly helpless  to it all   to  what  was  going on  In front of me ; because I was effectively in  a   locked in state like a dispassionate,  or disinterested observer  watching a  a raging bull or an  unstoppable and uncontrollable force. Raging through the embers of my life

and  oh yes as if this  was  not  enough I got to witness the loss of myself as I  knew him to be and the loss of my career which was not just a career but  it was a vocation  for me indeed it was my whole essence,  and as much as it was my personal identity my career  and   this catalogue  of tragedies was all   witnessed by a succession of  well-meaning strangers, to whom  am incredibly grateful  t and indeed   as  I sit here  even now 10 years on  at my computer writing this f I am still welling up  with  tears as I  think about the wrist slitting summary of  my life.

 The future

and now. only now  i  feel I am back to myself  but only just  I  am endeavouring to  carve out   a new-life well one that  has  any meaning   for  me   a life that is centred on helping others or in a way that has some significance to  them  such as giving a series of  inspirational lectures and becoming a life coach  but now  I am ready to  face my next challenge .ie one were i  return to   a meaningful existence ; and  not just existing . my god I believe in a meritocracy, and I am bloody determined to get back to  some sort of emeritus life, or  a life worthy  of merit.  as much f or me and slso firjny kids brecsuse   it is essential to lead by  example  

Welcome to my new wife

Well; firstly let me tell you there will not be many young lady’s crying as they read the title to this blog and when i say many you can read any :
this is the is background to a preparation or a lecture I am to give to the stroke group

All I am saying is it will become much more difficult to learn new skills but I am definitely not saying that you cannot ever learn a new skill but

you can expect to find it incredibly hard to develop new abilities you did not have before your Stroke or accident such as standing to put on shoes and socks but when it comes to doing things you have always done much as buttering your toast , with your affected hand . well these finer skills will also take little longer to master but I do think you will find it very difficult to develop new abilities such as  standing  to put on your shoes and socks but this s is absolutely not to say you will not ever be able to learn new skills I mean the brain is a pretty amazing thing when you think about it – which is in itself something I have only been recently unable to do is to think well with any conviction I mean just to be think is for for me is pretty amazing

there are approximately 67 billion neurons up there well in yours but not mime, and there are countless more connections as well; and if you if you follow this to  its logical conclusion it is absolutely amazing to think that we came from nothing our brains have developed from nothing at all just happenstance and bizarre or circumstantial meeting of atoms  and-these atoms   just happened to  twitch into life

and ‘all’ @@ !!?it takes to be able to be able to learn a new skill and to relearn  an old one is to put down some new connections and what is different about my brain well I have become acutely or suddenly stupid or thick As mince and l also I have countless neurons switched on opposing my neurons which are correctly attempting to complete a given task and these auxiliary neurons that are also switched on these are working against me ie, they are activating the muscles that oppose those  very muscles that are correctly attempting to complete a task, I mean my body has become a wife . now it can do it but it just bloody wont

and no I have not always Had a servant dedicated d to buttering my toast And also no I was not get born with a silver spoon in my mouth: I remember my mother retelling us we always had what we needed but not always have what we wanted; which obviously begs the question, based on whose assessment!!?, but I think I may be a little bit more obstreperous now- and yes my mother had it so easy with me as a son:  but with time comes cynicism and a tiny bit of obstreperousness.  and yes also cantankerousness but not any loss  of determination and it is this later  adjective that will serve you so well when you are on your rehab plan and think of all of those  neurons  up there  and of the connections that  are  just waiting  to  form a new pathway to achieving a goal

Welcome to my new wife edi

Well; firstly let me tell you there will not be many young lady’s crying as they read the title to this blog and when i say many you can read any :
this is the is background to a preparation or a lecture I am to give to the stroke group

All I am saying is it will become much more difficult to learn new skills but I am definitely not saying that you cannot ever learn a new skill but

you can expect to find it incredibly hard to develop new abilities you did not have before your Stroke or accident such as standing to put on shoes and socks but when it comes to doing things you have always done much as buttering your toast , with your affected hand . well these finer skills will also take little longer to master but I do think you will find it very difficult to develop new abilities such as  standing  to put on your shoes and socks whilst  but this s is absolutely not to say you will not ever be able to learn new skills I mean the brain is a pretty amazing thing when you think about it – which is in itself something I have only been recently able to do is to think well with any conviction I mean just to be think is for for me is pretty amazing

there are approximately 67 billion neurons up there well in yours but not mime, and there are countless more connections as well; and if you if you follow this to  its logical conclusion it is absolutely amazing to think that we came from nothing our brains have developed from nothing at all just happenstance and bizarre or circumstantial meeting of atoms  and-these atoms  happened to  twitch into life

and ‘all’ @@ !!?it takes to be able to be able to learn a new skill and to relearn a an old one is to put down some new connections and what is different about my brain well I have become acutely or suddenly stupid or thick As mince and l also I have countless neurons switched on opposing my neurons which are correctly attempting to complete a given task and these auxiliary neurons that are also switched on these are working against me ie, they are activating the muscles that oppose those  very muscles that are correctly attempting to complete a task, I mean my body has become a wife . now it can do it but it just bloody wont

and no I have not always Had a servant dedicated d to buttering my toast And also no I was not get born with a silver spoon in my mouth: I remember my mother retelling us we always had what we needed but not always have what we wanted; which obviously begs the question, based on whose assessment!!?, but I think I may be a little bit more obstreperous now- and yes my mother had it so easy with me as a son:  but with time comes cynicism and a tiny bit of obstreperousness  and to salter a world war  one-phrase about the dead  age  shall not weary them nor the years condemn. but age will and does increase cantankerousness and obstreperousness . and believe it or not  so too it will it increase sarcasm

Am I determined well I  will let you decide;  but I  must also  admit that I much prefer the word focused because determined Has an ever so slight wiff  of the  perjorativeness about it   about  it ,  from the moment  I wake up in the morning I  go to have a shower,  firstly  I scrub my  hair  thoroughly; and I  should say I  do not  intend to   be giving you full   anatomical run down of my washing procedure ; but I do not  believe in Shampoo ,  i mean why  does one remove  all of  the natural oils ,from your  hair  to  then, need to put back  a  whole heap of unnatural  ones    back in to your  hair with conditioner      and then I reach for my flannel which  sits on the small shelf in my shower but I  do this  with my eyes closed   so here I am trying to differentiate my flannel

from  the  various soaps and other paraphernalia that I  have accumulated  ; and no it is not like a hookers  boudoir because there was  a time when i could not feel anything with my hand .  and then   I try to  stretch up to touch the ceiling  with my hand  obviously as opposed to   with my  elbow and    I do this stretch up with my left arm , I  am   trying to  reach the ceiling  ,  because again there was a time when I   could not  lift my elbow above the horizontal  it really was just a useless club. so having done all of this ‘exercise’ I then brush my teeth which I do standing one leg and then i wear my smart shoes which i am absolutely  that i am absolutely terrible walking in but also they give me  an opportunity to practice tying my shoelaces  again , so once again  i find myself dresseing up  to  the 9’s or just 7’s really . snd lets examine that phrse  to give me  the opportunity  i mean it sonds like i sm being given a gift   when will it ever  end 

having checked the shower matt  Is  on the floor properly because If it is not  then I would end up looking like an elephant  dancing on ice     and i mention this purely for my mother who reads my blog and  I would want her  to know I am being sensible  ( another word  I hate : I mean who in their right mind or wrong mind   as  in  my case   would want that on  their tomb stone , here lies  an incredibly sensible man , or  have a eulogy based on sensibility,   and

I  do my teeth whilst looking like the can can girls in las  Vegas  where I kick up  one leg at a   time practicing my balance obviously ;  and also  torville and  Deane the Olympic figure  ice skating champions do not have anything  to  worry  about here;  and why are they called  can  can girls and here goes my knights move thinking  a sign of schizophrenia . but I hasten to add that  hat I have always had this thinking pattern but I  do not   have, schizophrenia  and    nor  have I   ever had schizophrenia and then there is  my coffee drinking which has become stratospheric and again; I blame my  determination  here, – it is because everything that goes with brewing my coffee is on my left .  so  I get to practice using my left   arm and hand quite a lot with making my coffee , and then lastly  there is my balance has been so truly dreadful util recently> I then  I spend the rest of the of the morning    making myself almost sick with dizziness , as I  shake  my head back  and forth . whilst looking at  a fixed spot on the wall, and this  is my vestibulo-ocular exercises designed to help me equilibrate  my brain with the  actual world as opposed to the one that I  am perceiving , and as such I used to believe  the vertical was   30 degrees to the left and  i would always  lean to the left   and , so once again it was not exactly complicated why I  was always leaning to  the left; but now I  am feeling like  I am being pulled to my left

and   in the evening  when I   wander off to bed I always   do  my exercises again they include balance and the  trunk strengthening exercise

High hopes

You have to have high high hopes the   saying and song  goes  but where hope exits there must also  be failure or a short coming  for hope to exist; but my hopes  were realistic  this  was how I lived my life  i believe : i believe ,i  have aimed high  and worked bloody hard  to get  there but it is just how i  have  lived my life   : i mean i have aimed  high but to thedpoiuntin not siming high   but realistically. I have not aimed to be as wealthy as bill gates  or as smart  as   Richard Dawkins but rather I have just aimed high to be comfortable or to  make sure  my kids are  comfortable   and it is  here that  I really really  really  need to say thank you   to thank everyone who has helped me along the way and it could just be friendship.,. it does not need to be anything specific or tangible; you may have just smiled at me but it was not in a condescending way or  ina way p thdt was not  presaging  a bout of riotous laughter implying what a complete Muppet ,or kumquat;   i have been, AGAIN  and oh yes  there  are many words that exist in the English language that are not swear words but convey a very similar meaning when used with the appropriate invective or inflection

and oh yes to the many many people who  feel i am an arrogant old bastard  well  to all of you lot  all  i can  say  it   is   bloody difficult being this good  and please  go  and      and fuck off  but yes there are some swear words  that are  irreplaceable

chapter Now there is absolutely no sugar coating of humour, I can do with this chapter I feel like a captain of a sports team that has been demoted to the reserves bench and is stuck on the bench watching his team being thrashed in football. I mean I have even published, academic articles about how one allocates beds in intensive care during a pandemic, and this leads on  from  my recent chapter    titled narcissistic me , my god I sm missing so  much,  and I really could have  been  of such tremendous help  if this is not too arrogant   to  say  every time I hear something else on the radio bout intensive care and the bed crisis my heart just breaks and I  feel so much  just  like a fraud

Am I determined well I  will let you decide;  but I  must also  admit that I much prefer the word focused because determined Has an ever so slight sense of the  ofperjorativeness  about  it ,  from the moment  I wake up in the morning I  go to have a shower  and  firstly  I scrub my  hair  thoroughly; and I  should say I  do not  intend to   be giving you full   anatomical run down of my washing procedure ; but I do not  believe in Shampoo   mean why  does one remove  all of  the natural oils ,from your  hair  to  then, need to put back  a  whole heap of unnatural  ones    back in to your  hair with conditioner      and then I reach for my flannel which  sits on the small shelf in my shower but I  do this  with my eyes closed   so here I am trying to differentiate my flannel

from  the  various soaps and other paraphernalia because there was  a time when i could not feel anything with my hand  and then   I try to  stretch up to touch the ceiling  with my hand  obviously as opposed to   with my  elbow and  I do this stretch up with my left arm , I  am   trying to  reach the ceiling  ,  because again there was a time when I   could not  lift my elbow above the horizontal  it really was just a useless club. so having done all of this ‘exercise’ I then brush my teeth which I do standing one leg   and

having checked the shower matt  Is  on the floor properly because If it is not  then I would end up looking like an elephant  dancing on ice     and i mention this purely for my mother who reads my blog and  I would want her  to know I am being sensible  ( another word  I hate : I mean who in their right mind or wrong mind  or as  in  my case   would want that on  their tomb stone , here lies  an incredibly sensible man , or  have a eulogy based on sensibility,   and

I  do this whilst looking like the can can girls in las  Vegas  where I kick up  one leg at a  the  time practicing my balance obviously ;  and also  torvile and  Deane the Olympic figure  ice skating champions do not have anything  to  worry  about here;  and  why are they are they called  can  can girls and here goes my knights move thinking  a sign of schizophrenia . but I hasten to add that I have always had this thinking pattern but  nor  have I  or  ever had  i schizophrenia