Time I am totally confused by time it now seems  to race on ahead of me  and surprise surprise it is addictive as  well and I  am    the dating scene which just absolutely amazes me  how little  respect   people have  for themselves they  just  need to take care of themselves and have  some respect   and   quite  clearly they do not have any for their own bodies , but how can  one  hope or expect to  find  a life partner who  does not respect themselves.

And so  many people who keep telling me that I should be happy because I  am no longer a   brain dead  Brussel sprout  but when I  was a Brussel sprout I was completely unaware of my circumstances. I   would  I have been happy to  die   now this is quite incorrect and  I would have not known about it anyway ; so two fingers up to  all of those buggers who say I should  be happy with that, and  how happy  I should be with  how  far I   have come  and know I am thinking of slightly more strident or colourful language  but even I cannot bring myself to use the  c word which I just find absolutely disgusting as I do  the middle finger gesture : but I  am quite happy to  use the  two finger gesture   for which I    just   see as a  laugh a bit of light- hearted derision  and so, I blame my father in law  or this  because   he bet me 50 pounds that  he would Donate to any charity    when I  could give him the two finger  salute; and much ,much worse than this,   I also remember my  poor  poor  poor  wife coming up to hospital to  see me with my son who  both attempted  to get  my club working  again  and my son under  the guise of my  wife  attempted to get my  arm working   again  by    tempting me with some dark chocolate on the opposite side of  a small table   from me,   and I  cannot tell you how I wished so hard  so enormously hard and even now when I think about how much  wished I  could move anything at  all just to  show them  they were really helping me   to  just be  able to move my arm at all or  my fingers ; and when   AGAIN after I had completely failed AGAIN to move anything   all;  how close to tears I  was. After they left: well even now I am so close to tears just writing it all down

Indeed I was at the very difficult  time to take  the decision  I may have to ask that my wife  did  not bring my son up  the next time because I was so  disappointed,  at  not being able to  do anything again for them, and I just hatred at failing again in front of my son.

And , so  many people who keep telling me that I should be happy because I  am no longer a   brain dead  Brussel sprout  but when I  was a Brussel sprout I was completely unaware of my circumstances. I   would  I have been happy to  die  and anyway I would have not known about it anyway ; so two fingers up to  all of those buggers who say I should  be happy with that and  how happy  I should be with  how  far I   have come  and know I am thinking of slightly more strident or colourful language  but even I cannot bring myself to use the  c word which I just find absolutely disgusting as I do  the middle finger gesture : but I  am quite happy to  use the  two finger gesture  which I  see as  just  a  laugh a bit of light- hearted derision  and so, I blame my father in law  or this  because  th he bet me 50 pounds that  he would Donate to any charity    when I  could give him the two finger  salute; and much ,much worse than this,   I also remember my  poor  wife coming up to hospital to  see me with my son who  both attempted  to get  my club working  again  and my son under  the guise of my poor poor  wife  attempted to get my  arm working   again used  to tempt me with some dark chocolate on the opposite side of  a small table   from me,   and I  cannot tell you how I wished so hard  so enormously hard and even now when I think about how much  wished I  could move anything at  all just to  show them  they were really helping me   to  just be  able to move my arm at all or  my fingers ; and when   AGAIN after I had completely failed AGAIN to move anything   all;  how close to tears I  was. After they left: well even now I am so close to tears just writing it all down

Indeed I was at the very difficult  time to take decision of thinking I may have to ask that my wife  did  not bring my son up  the next time because I was so  disappointed,  at  not being able to  do anything again for them, and I just hatred at failing again in front of my son.

now I have had  to contend with the loss of  my   family and my identity to  a  greater or lesser extent .  because working  as  a doctor was  everything to me   and much more than that it was my entire essence because I loved feeling  that I was of  some help to someone , indeed ,my nickname used  to be selfless   and yes everyone says how well I am doing but I am not sure I   should be believing the  buggers. Well actually I am   pretty convinced I should not be listening to them at all. Because it potentially produces a chance of me feeling complacent.     And so, it goes   I am just,  having to  concentrate  on me, AGAIN, when by god I am so boring –

And if I listen to all of my  well-wishers And I lose the drive to carry on with my recovery. when as I   see it, I have so much further to   go. to be more consistently of help to people ‘ and much more than that I am  still in the midst of my existential crisis  ;   and this is because   I feel  I am just concentrating on me, AGAIN  And this is why  I need  a significant other  and  this is where   my blog may  be   good for me because . I am actually getting requests for my advice and they actually   want my advice and strangers are thanking me for my blog, it has been of real intangible help to people and today i gave a short lecture tro future scarers, and i think it  was the first time in years that i could actually see the benefit i was haavug  for people

now I have had  to contend with the loss of  my   family and my identity to  a  greater or lesser extent .  because working  as  a doctor was  everything to me   and much more than that it was my entire essence because I loved feeling  that I was of  some help to someone , indeed ,my nickname used  to be selfless   and yes everyone says how well I am doing but I am not sure I   should be believing the  buggers. Well actually I am   pretty convinced I should not be listening to them at all. Because it just potentially produces a chance of me feeling complacent.     And so, it goes   I am left  just concentrating on me, AGAIN, by god I am so boring –

And if I listen to all of my own well-wishers And I lose the drive to carry on with my recovery. when as I   see it;

I have so much further to   go. to be more consistently of help to people ‘ and much more than that I am  still in the midst of my existential crisis  ;   and this is because   I feel  I am just concentrating on me, AGAIN  And this is why  I need  a significant other  and  this is where   my blog may  be   good for me because . I am actually getting requests for my advice and they actually   want my advice and strangers are thanking me for my blog, it has been of real intangible help to people

My mouth is so dry. my word the human body it is so precisely organised and   the multitude of functions  it performs for  us for us, in the Background  and it just takes  the smallest perturbation   to  bring it all down like a pack of cards   enough to   completely knock it  off course   now I have lost all sensation I   my mouth, and because I  am so paranoid  appearing like  a drooling idiot  and this means  I do not open my mouth  fully or correctly to enunciate my words correctly  and hence I take some medications to dry up my saliva or my mouths secretions    which means I have a very dry mouth  so much  so  that  it makes  it  nigh on  impossible to eat  scones .  which I found  to my own great disappointment when I travelled to my favourite cafe and it rendered me completely unable to swallow my scone ; indeed I was  at  very serious danger   of  suffocating on my own scone   – forget water boarding,  I Was  at very real and imminent risk of death  by scone     and I  did what any  red blooded Australian would  do,  and quite naturally   I blamed  the chef and the cafe   of course  because obviously they had not coked my scone enough , and so it  was that  I was given pretty short shift tactually and quite clearly they had not  been  to the same waiting school  as   i had  attended  when  I  was a   kid;  I  was taught the customer  was  always right

am I really that boring one of my greatest concerns has been since my accident is that I have become huge anchor on my family and friends, and I remember being the life and soul of a party; sand one of my so  called  very   good   friends  i.e.  my brother in-law  said to me to not worry , about that because he said I never was   the life and soul of any party; so I guess I have one less thing to worry about , And i am pretty  certain my brother in-law had not  heard of the phrase  do not kick a man when he is down; but such is the exceedingly limited education he clearly  had. I mean it is a miracle he can walk and chew gum, at the same time and quite surprisingly he used to suck his thumb  but considering how  much his time is spent with his thumb stuck in a place where the sun does not  shine!

The

The  PROBLEM OF TIME is twofold for me firstly there  is my sense of mortality and; then more immediately I sincerely hope because I d  not want to  die just yet .

there is my’ nothing time’ or  what i l Call  my retirement; now  for me  this has not been  something  that  I have chosen   I have-been  forced In  to retirement; when,

i feel  I am too  young to retire and I have  so much still too archive   or  I have so much  more  I want to  do   and this is the other problem of time. now when we think about   our work colleagues who are not necessarily our   friends we would choose.   but then we have our leisure time. Which  would be all very well,  if there were our friends also retiring together with us.

And work teaches us about humanity:  it is the shared responsibility or knowledge of the difficult times, that we all experience when we were at work. And to be successful at work one needs    to  to work in a team: and  every team has its strengths and weaknesses. And to be successful as a team we need to accommodate for the weak links in a team, one has to be able to work cooperatively and it is here we learn more completely about humanity

and so it goes that work provides us more than a just a salary

But also, there is the contrast between work making our leisure time that much, more enjoyable, or special   we are people of contrasts; we crave work because it makes our leisure time that    much more meaningful or special or enjoyable. And it is our work that produces the majority of our friends. and also, it is our work that very often gives us our sense of purpose.  and it gives us also    our sense of humanity    by what it means to be human: because we need to live and work

To the lady from  Tesco’s  at  Falmouth. this is an excellent example of how my brain is still buggered. now there was this incredibly vivacious lady working in Tesco’s at Pendennis point or what i call  penis point . and we were talking about my style of writing.

This is also a   huge compliment but I do worry that she was actually not looking at my blog at all. and i would very much like her to get in touch with me again please so that I can examine her wrists for any tell-tale signs of wrist slitting. That my blog may have induced and I think she can do this via my blog or my email  which is andrewtillyard@gmail.com  and  i think my brain is relatively good  but it is not that good at thinking on its feet   and  so it goes  i need to have every thing  planed  out  and i    never expected this lady  to compliment me.  and of  course i would have  certainly  asked for  her  contact details. at  the time of our very brief conversation.  and so it goes that   i need  to be  able to  think  about  it long after it is  relevant within the confines of  my gated commune

thfti  cn examine hre wristsfirny tl tle signdof wrist slitting