why i stumble so much

Why do I stumble so much

I think I have cracked why  I stumble so much  because I   am still stuck with my buggered  body/. as if any more proof were needed,


that I am still buggered well my body is still, lagging behind my brain and yes I did say that I have a brain.


And my brain  is even faster than my body. Well. i am being    factually incorrect here, because my body is lagging behind my brain,    but it  is because of my brain .



so  in reality I am still getting used to my new body  and its limitations the brain has  placed it on  it   as where I could just do without  thinking  and I  cannot  do   the things without thinking   any more,

for example when I  go to turn quickly to my left   I need to  ensure my left foot is not  incompletely turned out to the left because if   it   is  not completely turned out,  I   could, and do stumble over it because it is not in an advantageous position for me to complete my  turn

control fresakerty the rule of thirds

y and the rule

Is it any wonder I a  am so obsessed with my running just now because it is the only  aspect of my life that I have sole control over,  and when I  think about the other   important  aspects of an individual’s life, such as  that of a career  or  a  significant relsationsjhip with another, then I appear to have ceded  all control to  someone else,  hence why I  am addicted to my running which is solely  dependent on me


If  we consider a life to   be equivalent to the time  on a 24 hour   clock divided into 8 hour segments or thirds then one third of one’s  life,  is spent sleeping . And if you extend this out to one’s life then it means by the time you are 30 then you have slept for ten years.  I find this quite an arresting thought

 and then  you have your daytime life where   you are  hopefully reaping the fruits of your free will and if  we   consider just  those times when we are  truly acting out of our own  free will  . and     only including those times   as opposed to just following the  norms of our, parents  choices or their preconceptions as to what they think is best for us   such as  schooling and university

 and   who can forget  John dunnes quote no man is an.island  but that  is  entirely different to ceding responsibility  for the decisions one makes

i am ot going to be a cripple any more

but i  am still most definitely going   to  be  verbally inappropriate

My word I am not going to be cripple any more which I mostly expected  I would-be but now I know that  I absolutely    am not going to be  any more; but I still seem to be needing to prove myself to  everyone I encounter and this is where I  feel I I need to ask you to read my chapter on being  an archaeologist – where i talk about having  had the correct   neural pathways once before and all I am needing to do is to excavate them, and my physical rehab   has  been so much easier to quantify,

but in essence my physical rehab has allowed me to get to the point where I need to use my cognitive pathways . for instance today I was in my favourite cafe and I had to remember the names of all  of the waitressing staff   and    I could arrange  to meet someone I  needed to discuss with  about lecture I was going  to be giving . so, this is why my physical rehab has been so vital to my cognitive rehab

but  I still need someone else to love and to be able to think about  if for  nothing else to take my mind off myself and my god I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I am just   so boring

random compliments

I have been told  by a chap in the swimming pool how well,  I have done  and I do not really know him  he is just a chap   who has been coming to the pool for quite a while  and has  indirectly seen my progress that  I  have made  and  he said to me that I need  to  keep up all   of my exercises that i have been undoubtedly  doing, and he too said to me that many people would not have come so  far with their recovery and this chimes with what my  school friends and mother said to me , now:

my mother knows me pretty well and    she was a  nurse and despite this  was  fairly practical  and appropriate,  and sensible and  I was quite surprised when she said to me that  it was only because of my dogged determination that I have come so  far.


as where I cannot think everyone in the same circumstance would have done similarly

exercise depression and the spiders web .

Exercise and depression

muscles, fat cells, and liver release a variety of molecules into the bloodstream. Some of these molecules which circulate through the body and where they can cross the blood-brain barrier. Once inside, they trigger a cascade of beneficial changes that can make one feel sharper and happier: one crucial change is the release of a growth hormone called brain-derived neurotrophic factor, or BDNF. When it comes to exercise’s positive effects on the brain, BDNF is  first and foremost.

And there is always the Chicken and egg argument  delivered  by those couch potatoes  i.e. is it the exercise on its own per se or is  it just  the mere fact of doing something that one enjoys  that leads to the improvements in mood and memory .

our brains are like a spiders web of connections with  links between different parts of the web  and  these links allow the brain to   combine  what  we are seeing with what  we are moving with our hands, all the while whilst listening to our kids squabbling over the  remote control and it is the BDNF that is responsible for strengthening these connections, ‘hence the runners high ‘ and this leads me onto  another benefit of the connections between different areas of the brain –    and the more one practices using these connections then the more strongly they are held or formed ; so what this means is it is  important to do exercise as well as practice  the executive functions  of  the brain –  it is a little bit like trying to grow grass without any fertiliser and in this analogy  the EDNF IS equivalent to the fertiliser; and which connections  are strengthened are  all dependant on us, so returning, to the grass analogy if we want there to be a very good covering of grass next to the house then we will need  to ensure we put a lot of seed there   , and if you want to ensure your memory retains its  clarity then you will need to practice using this  and I am almost proof positive that this can be achieved  because this is  exactly what has happened me.  My slate was essentially  wiped clean or it was definitively  removed from me. but the cleanliness of my  slate must be considered  under review , because I am Australian , assuming I still have any  slate left  to me   and I am  tempted to title this post the runners high and grass  growing  because I am pretty certain that the thought police would not be too happy with this

wistful contemplation

Wistful contemplation

Is this all a human life    is?:  can it be just reduced to wistful contemplation because. sure, I have clearly not died i am pretty certain there are no such things as ghosts well certainly not ones that can type.  I guess I am feeling like  that is all I have now is my memories  because liv has made it  plainly clear to  me that there is  no going back

I have recently been presenting my story and how it  was that  I have come to be so   much of a doughnut  and  how my family were told by the supposed exerts that I would end up not a lot better than a dodgy Brussel  sprout      and how  it was that I lost everything that was dear to me dear to me.

First there   was  my wife and my family and career   but  not in  one foul  swoop    and how it is  I have come  to be so and this presentation has  got me to  thinking about all of these things  that I have lost and sure  they are not completely removed from me but it is so far from what I ever thought I  would have when I had a family and I cannot really  hope for any more than wistful contemplation but it does Make me think because liv and i were so close,  and    given that is all I have now   is this  wistful contemplation . but it does make, me think is this  all we   are   is it just memories of times   past and in essence I have had the absolute marvellous opportunity to experience death and the  second coming but without the beard  and  the walking on water ,  or any other adulation and so it is i have  been  given the   chance to die to all of my loved ones   but also to  come back from death     with my memories of what was , and to  think about what  I had, and perhaps this is all one can  expect to have is  to give ones children or loved ones memories of what is possible or achievable – and it is here that lies immortality

not everyone is perfect

Not everyone  is  perfect        not everyone remembers everything  every  time. and there are   times when everyone forgets their mug of coffee and i have been thinking each of these small slip ups are emblematic of my brain injury  and not everyone remembers everything  very time and do I not know that given my unwanted experience of  the scarers   and    and given my   sense of humour  i would  just  love to see the shiver ruining down their  spine as thry read this