THERE IS NO GOING BACK
There is no going backwards I feel so guilty because I used to have a career and be truly independent life and sure I am completely independent now in terms of being able to look after myself but l but I still do not have a job and a not just any job but a career one which I could be generous towards .my Trappe and my family who have Been so incredibly generous towards. me or at least amazingly tolerant of me and all of my requirements which are legion now and to think I used to be someone that was capable of inducing the emotion of pride towards me and who I think as andrew AD. I there is nothing to be proud of well my Trappee is well and truly infatuated by me but I cannot help but think how short changed she is being by me every time I find something that I used to to do so easily almost without thinking and the number of these things are also l increasing I exponentially and sure I can do most things now but to do it I need to concentrate so hard now t it tsjkres away all of the spontaneity of the action to complete the task is lost I would describe it like needing the concentration that a person walking across a high but I am just turning around to say goodbye to someone who I am leaving but I deed to concentrate so hard on the task at hand like
someone walking across a high wire and I must say when my Trappee reasd this all she said, so am I to believe you feel useless because I cannot turn around to wave goodbye to someone
and sure as I said I can do it but I need to prove to myself , not to someone else but it is me but this is so much worse because it is myself I am trying to prove it to. And I can tell you i am a very very hard task master. it is alot like my reading which only recently I could do. I mean here I was a bloody doctor and I could not even read a bloody kid’s book. and I was determined to read again but I enjoyed reading[at1] lying down at night in bed. But this introduced too much complexity to reading esach line on the page and although I could read I neded to [prove it to myself lying down there is no going back for me I strongly believe there is no going backwards in this life. and by god I have quite clearly put my mantra to put to the test
