there is no going back

THERE IS NO GOING BACK

There is no going backwards I feel so guilty because I used  to  have a career and  be  truly independent life and sure  I am completely  independent now  in terms of being able to look after myself  but l but I still do not  have a job and a not just any  job  but  a  career one which I could  be generous towards .my Trappe and my family  who have Been  so incredibly generous towards. me or at least amazingly  tolerant  of me and  all  of my requirements  which are  legion now  and to think  I used to   be someone that  was capable of inducing the emotion  of pride towards me and who I think  as andrew  AD. I there is nothing to be proud of   well my Trappee  is well and  truly infatuated by  me but I cannot help but think  how short changed she is being      by me every time I find  something  that I used to to do so easily almost without thinking   and the number of these things  are also l increasing I exponentially   and sure  I can do   most things now but to  do it  I need  to concentrate so hard now t it tsjkres away all  of the spontaneity of the action  to  complete the task is lost  I would describe it like  needing  the  concentration that a person walking across a high       but I am just turning around to say goodbye to someone who I am leaving but I deed  to  concentrate so hard on the task at  hand like 

someone walking across a high wire and I must say when my Trappee reasd this all she said, so am I to believe you feel useless   because I cannot turn around to  wave goodbye to someone

  and sure  as  I said I can do it  but I need  to prove  to myself , not to  someone else  but it is me   but this is  so much worse  because    it is myself I am trying  to  prove  it to. And I can tell you i am a very very hard task master. it is alot like my reading which  only recently I could do. I mean here I was a bloody doctor and I could not even read a bloody kid’s book. and I was determined to read again but I enjoyed reading[at1]  lying down at night in bed. But this introduced too much complexity to reading  esach line  on the page and although I could read I neded to [prove it to myself lying down there is no going back  for  me  I strongly believe  there  is no  going backwards in this life. and by god I   have  quite clearly  put my  mantra  to put  to the test


 [at1]

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