the incident The past and
Wow and bloody hell it is almost 10 years since my moment of madness I mean 10 years YEARS. Since I was standing on the start line in my gimp suit with a whole heap of of other rubber gimps lined up on the start line of the triathlon I mean there I was an NHS consultant in intensive care medicine and the associate professor of medical law and ethics , and a happily married man and father to three children; all it took was 5 seconds or less probably for me to have my cycling accident and sure I effectively died indeed I did on the operating table when I had a cardiac arrest and the anaesthetist a friend and colleague had to get out the defibrillator for me when i somewhat unexpectedly decided to cheek he was awake still and I had a had a cardiac arrest.
and the intervening period of time
and in the intervening period I have had to witness the loss of myself as an independent at and private adult and the loss of my wife and my life : and I was seemingly helpless to it all to what was going on In front of me ; because I was effectively in a locked in state like a dispassionate, or disinterested observer watching a a raging bull or an unstoppable and uncontrollable force. Raging through the embers of my life
and oh yes as if this was not enough I got to witness the loss of myself as I knew him to be and the loss of my career which was not just a career but it was a vocation for me indeed it was my whole essence, and as much as it was my personal identity my career and this catalogue of tragedies was all witnessed by a succession of well-meaning strangers, to whom am incredibly grateful t and indeed as I sit here even now 10 years on at my computer writing this f I am still welling up with tears as I think about the wrist slitting summary of my life.
and now. only now i feel I am back to myself but only just I am endeavouring to carve out a new-life well one that has any meaning for me a life that is centred on helping others or in a way that has some significance to them such as giving a series of inspirational lectures and becoming a life coach but now I am ready to face my next challenge .ie one were i return to a meaningful existence ; and not just existing . my god I believe in a meritocracy, and I am bloody determined to get back to some sort of emeritus life, or a life worthy of merit. as much f or me and slso firjny kids brecsuse it is essential to lead by example