narcissistic me

THERE IS NO GOING BACK   well by Christ this  is  stating the bloody obvious  and there are just so many things I  cannot think about because they just produce such an extended bout of   self-cantered, or self-destructive  narcissistic   melancholy  and  still i  cannot cry  and to  the many  things  i   cannot think about include such as the near meteoric rise in the intensive care medicine  world  from being a physiotherapy student on an Australian intensive care unit  ward round  to becoming an intensive care consultant in Britain and an associate  professor in medical ethics and law and now    to this increasing list  i need also   add everyone i meet  online or-in  person ask  what i  do and  i have to say somewhat embarrassed, i am retired .  and still I cannot cry  and i  guess there is the  final common  pathway or  recourse for those permanently out of work  but  still have delusions of grandeur there is the answer i am an author, and i   am thinking of a  number of friends  here who  shall  remain nameless and yes i do   appreciate this is  all me, me , me, but here i sit  alone  and still i cannot cry  cannot cry

and most obviously,  to this list here  are  the things i cannot think about there is my family  who have had to, make so many sacrifices    such as just having a normal family life with everyone and I dancing around the table and singing so desperately out of tune and with all of my kids wailing at me to stop as I hug my wife  ie. just a normal  day in    the   life  of  the family of the  permanently, or  catastrophically tone deaf  and still the things that I  cannot think  about keep continuing to increase  . and obviously there is my independence, and also there is my perception of time,   and of course the   night time when my thoughts have a degree of freedom  to   rome  where they want  which is to the many many  many unhealthy  recesses of my brain or what little is left  of it

such as    time seems to keep  acing away from me , And now I know i  still have  lots to look forward to  but these things, are each out of my control; and also  i had so much  i wanted to to be  able to give;  and to achieve and , that i   could give to people  and  more importantly  i wanted to  give to people  and also  to  Cornwall and in my very disturbed and unstable brain there is    a linear line that proceeds from work on to retirement and on to  death   and  still i cannot  cry




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