THERE IS NO GOING BACK well by Christ this is stating the bloody obvious and there are just so many things I cannot think about because they just produce such an extended bout of self-cantered, or self-destructive narcissistic melancholy and still i cannot cry and to the many things i cannot think about include such as the near meteoric rise in the intensive care medicine world from being a physiotherapy student on an Australian intensive care unit ward round to becoming an intensive care consultant in Britain and an associate professor in medical ethics and law and now to this increasing list i need to also add , and still i cannot cry, and i need to add everyone i meet online or-in person ask what i do and i have to say somewhat embarrassed, i am retired . and i guess there is the final common recourse for those permanently out of work but with delusions of grandeur there is the answer i am an author, and i am thinking of a number of friends here who shall remain nameless and yes i do appreciate this is all me, me , me, but here i sit alone and still i cannot cry cannot cry
and most obviously, to this list here are the things i cannot think about there is my family who have had to,make so many sacrifices such as just having a normal family life with everyone and I dancing around the table and singing so desperately out of tune and with all of my kids wailing at me to stop as I hug my wife ie. just a normal day in the life of the family of the permanently tone deaf and still the things that I cannot think about keep continuing to increase . and obviously there is my independence, and also there is my perception of time, and of course the night time when my thoughts have a degree of freedom to rome where where they want which is to the many many many unhealthy recesses of my brain and
such as time seems to keep acing away from me , And now I know i still have lots to look forward to but they are each out of my control; and also i had so much i wanted to to be able to give; and to achieve and , that i could give to people and more importantly i wanted to give to people and also to Cornwall and in my very disturbed and unstable brain there is a linear line that proceeds from work on to retirement and on to death and still i cannot cry
