i do not want to just exist and where did it all begin

now I am a very hard task master partly because I can remember exactly how easy I used to find it to do things such as playing tennis and now I am finding it so exceptionally difficult, And I am really trying so very hard to not get too down about all of ,my struggles
because sure I can hopefully do it again but my goodness I am going to have to work at it and it is because I need to do the hard work that I say my body is still rubbish or broken .but to everyone else all they see is me attempting to try to play tennis and they just see me doing something challenging again but what they cannot see is all of my muscles which are are fighting against me and I am also having to fight to live and sure I have got the existence down pat but I do not want to just exist I want more, can you believe that I want more than this it is After all just existence for me but I do not want to just exist or to just survive I want to live: it is who I am and again it is all about who I want to be, and this is absolutely not ,meant in a narcissist way i and be the and the whole am, I still me well that can go where the rest of Andrew BC is and in to an incinerator or the surgical bucket of detritus

and I am absolutely loving my morning routine of a run And then a swim it just sets me up for the whole day and I just feel so alive and all of my cares and worries go away and when say all my cares I mean ALL because god knows there are a lot of them and this also brings me to when did all of this begin, well it would be just too easy to blame the accident but I think it all began with my mother who instilled in all of her children a real drive to better one’s self and a never ever say die attitude, and I think this was best displayed by my sister who was literally yelling at me when I was in my coma in the intensive care unit but it was my mother who definitely instilled in each of us that as long as there is a pulse then there is a chance to do something better and with this there is my insurmountable determination and the phrase it is what it is would be a complete anathema to mum or dare I say it. but it would-be equivalent to swearing for my mother and then there was dad who in essence allowed mum the platform upon which she could drive herself to perfection or every one else to distraction And so it was I woke up with vary ;little prospects or hope according to the supposed expects in neurology or the experts in levitating as I have referred to them given how little is known about how the brain can recover and then there is the me and the existential me ie. The whole me

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