mental attitude

My mental state –  well I guess s this is  an  improvement to admit that  i  may even have a mental state; but it would  take me  just four letters to make the word to describe ,my  mental state  well lets call it six letters to make the word  an adjective   in the past tense well I am in the midst of my existential  crisis   where I am just so bored of  myself  and I guess I  am tired of   fighting  and all the fighting I need to do  with myself I need to  do  fighting with myself- and I think I now  know  who I am and where I came from   and sure there  are very few people   who are  wheel  chair bound and also  not able to remember anything longer  than 5 seconds or have a completely immobile left hand  oh yes  and there is the fact of  being written off  by the supposed experts and my brief period where I did not have  a heartbeat and despite all of that   to me life is all about moving forwards and not stopping   and this last couple of years: has   been all  about me  learning to be me and  it would appear  that the Andrew   AD is  so much less than   Andrew BC  as where I could almost turn my hand to anything and reasonably well  too now I have had to ;learn what it is that i cannot  do  such as walk down the street and talk on  my mobile phone easily  and use my knife and fork whilst eating and my writing is abominable  now  I  have been described  as being unerringly negative or  slightly maudlin    but I would argue that I am exceedingly  upbeat for someone who  almost died and  lost everything that has any meaning to me  and many times  I wished  I had died :  but now   I  cannot think of anything more boring and coning back to my relentlessly positive attitude I would definitely  say it is all  about being positively negative that has has  got me this far and the relentless search for something  that is better