years- 6 years I have been stuck like this a lesser human and I say this lesser human because I am still so far from where I was physically and life for me is all about ,moving forwards and still I am waking up every morning and going to my kitchen to shake the living hell out of my endolymph the fluid within my middle ears just so that I can avoid having the awful wavering reeling I get when I am walking . and I do have to ask myself hitch is worse the wavering feeling or the nauseous feeling which is is the feeling that is induced by my head shaking and it is the devil and the deep blue sea question and I do do wonder what my neighbour must think if they were ever looking in my window to my kitchen and seeing myself-turning green with sickness whist I still keep shaking my head from side to side but at least my ndiolymph shaking is in a controlled environment and i am not going to have to think about the traffic and be expected to hold a conversation as well as Walking and also: still I look forward to going to bed at night just so that I can brush my teeth whilst practising standing on one leg because although we walk on two legs to be truly stable one needs to be able to stand on just one leg , and lastly there is my core strength which is just hopeless because until now I have been like a house of cards and I have had to move in a very restricted and planned fashion because I am at risk of just crumpling and still I have to do all of this remedial work or exercise just so that I can give the appearance of functioning normally and again there is that word ‘ i have been striving for something i just detest normality ‘ and would you believe it even I can see that I have improved and even I can tell I am no longer a dodgy Brussel sprout any more or stuck in a wheel chair but by god that was humiliating and probably not even humbling because i spent the whole time wishing I was elsewhere and not me and sure I was definitely suicidal then but I was too gutless and selfish ( because I was just desperate to see my kids glow up some ,more and I did worry that I was just an anchor around their necks but now I am struggling to find a new path for the kids and myself – and there just has to be something that has a meaning for myself and others where I a helping other people in a way that is tangible such that I can sit back and say that I bloody did that and also provides an income for my kids
the devil and the deep blue sea
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