the devil and the deep blue sea

years-  6 years I have been stuck like this  a lesser human  and I  say this lesser  human  because I am still so far from where I was physically and life for me is all about ,moving forwards  and still I am  waking up every morning and going to my  kitchen to shake the living hell out of my endolymph  the fluid within my  middle ears  just so  that I can avoid having the awful wavering reeling I get when  I am  walking .  and I do have to  ask myself hitch is worse the wavering feeling  or  the nauseous feeling which is  is  the  feeling  that is induced by  my  head shaking  and  it is the devil and the deep blue  sea question and I do  do wonder what my neighbour  must think if they were ever looking in my window to my kitchen and seeing myself-turning green with sickness whist  I still  keep shaking my head from side to  side  but at least my ndiolymph shaking   is in a controlled environment and i am not going to have to think about the traffic and be expected  to hold    a conversation as well as Walking  and  also: still I look forward to going to bed at night  just so that I can brush my teeth whilst practising standing on one leg   because although we  walk on two legs  to  be truly stable   one  needs to  be able to  stand on just one leg  , and lastly there is my core strength which is just hopeless  because until  now I have been like  a house of cards  and I have had  to move in  a very restricted  and planned fashion because I  am at risk of just crumpling  and still I have to  do  all of this remedial  work or exercise just  so that  I  can give the appearance  of functioning  normally   and again  there is that word  ‘ i have been  striving for something i  just detest normality ‘ and would you believe it  even I can see that I have improved  and even I   can tell I am no longer a dodgy Brussel sprout any more  or  stuck in  a wheel chair    but by god  that was humiliating and  probably not even  humbling because  i spent the whole time wishing I was elsewhere and not me  and sure I was definitely suicidal then  but  I was too gutless and selfish ( because I was just desperate to  see my kids glow up  some ,more  and  I did worry that  I was just an anchor around  their necks  but now I am struggling to  find a new path  for the kids and myself – and there  just has to  be something that has a meaning  for myself and others where  I a helping other people   in a way that  is tangible such that I can sit back  and say that I  bloody did that and also provides an income for my kids