racing to stand still

now sure I have gone from being  a vegetable or a  Brussel sprout  to being a relatively normal appearing and acting  independent  adult  and I am  also quite regularly asked why  or how I have managed  to recover so far but I answer them  that I do not think I have recovered  that far : I still see myself  as a space occupying lesion  and by god I think  this is a big part of my issues with myself in that I am just appearing normal  and  I guess I  am just going to have to resign myself to marvellous mediocrity  – well an  enormous part of my recovery is my determination; and some people have even had  the temerity to say  I am  stubborn  but I cannot believe that I prefer to think of it as being  focused and  the  knowledge that there is a better life out there , and also obviously regarding my recovery  there   has been my wife and kids , and without them I would-be truly nothing  and lastly there has  been  my scarers who  although I love to take the piss out of them hem  remorselessly  such  as they  make Julian Clarey look masculine , I do love them but just not in  a way that  they wish I would  and I guess I am  left wondering how long it is that I  am going have to  sprint   just to stand still   and I guess I cannot accept that  there is not a better life out there for me but by Christ I am just going o have  to  carry on  because all i can do is die