DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS

death by  a thousand cuts  now I have had to endure my wife and family leaving me and  in  a process of leaving me  in stages  snd a series of  interminable steps because my brain made   a goldfish look smart  because i had less than a three a three second memory  and i am told by my  wife thstshe did tell me that  she was leaving me but i kept forgetting  and by god i  was quite stupid and m the loss of my family  was all  on view by a scarer so although these  people were very nice and no more than    than i  had chosen to  be  working  with me during  this  my separation was  all on show to  these well meaning  strangers who  no more than i had  chosen to be in this truly awful situation all be it of my own creation

 

and there is my dam brain injury that seems to leave me incapable of feeling any true or real  emotion and also I   get to witness it all  where I seem to exist in a hinterland where I am witnessing the death of myself  as a husband and  a  person and  a father and all   seemingly  witnessed by myself rather dispassionately and this is absolutely not to  say that I do not wish it were otherwise , and by Christ I cannot believe I threw it all away  and i have just become so sensitive and so  pathetic  , in that  I took the children to the cinema the other day and it  was  truly dreadful   and during the shorts there was a cartoon Muppet and he was crying out for his mummy and all I could think of was crying because it  was what I would wish my kids would do and call out for me and I am not saying this in a  woe is me kind of way  well, I guess I am and  sure I  can now start preparing for my new life  but I just feel  I  have  an entire truckload of issues  more than grmaine greer on a bad day  and i  need to get  a  better life for myself one where I am deemed capable of   doing  everything and I am  not remembered for my Brussel sprout years  and  one where   I am self-sufficient to do the things I wish to be able  to do which is to help  people meaningfully  and to also have a decent salary and working in  team for a predefined set goal where  I am not dependent on  the  kindness of others and it is this hat I find  quite a revelation to me  as I was always a doer and i just felt I had to be helping whenever I went anywhere  such that   I would always be clearing away  he table to help after  supper  and I have learnt that sometimes one can   just  sit in the presence of your friends and not really say a lot and still participate and this has been  somewhat of a  revelation  to me

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