MA in marriage; tears worth and Andrew AD and Andrew BC
Now I am trying not to think about this too much but I cannot help, it I feel I am in such emotional distress: my life has always been dedicated to having a job where-by I am helping other people and more importantly there is a career path with a ladder essentially and I had this and I have been forced into retirement And although I have many friends who have taken voluntary retirement I unlike them have been forced into retirement and I am left feeling like I imagine all of those students who do a marriage degree at university – also known as An arts degree ; when they graduate because they essentially are qualified to do not a lot but the Arts degrees are what my mother called marriage degrees for girls because they could go to university and hopefully meet a nice young boy with whom they could end up marrying and; I also distinctly remember my mother asking me if I ever was in a position where I did not have a job and could not get one would I consider the army And I also remember my reply to her funnily enough because this seemingly innocuous question bought on floods of tears with my answer which was I would rather be a criminal than join the army – now I am not a psychologist but I think my ambivalence towards authority was relatively obvious even then – because even the government accepts that many of its rules are not going to be followed , so if there is tacit acceptance that rules are not going to be followed ; because why else would they employ a police force and judiciary:
And also I am relatively Amazed at how other people’s lives seem to be so difficult such that I do not ever remember waking up at 4 in the morning paranoid that my life was not going anywhere and yet I am told that it is normal for everyone to wake up with this feeling :
and likewise I know it is not at all normal, to be happy all the time not even a truckload of prozac could achieve this but it is also not normal to wake up petrified of the day coming because one does not have any plan for the day and it is this question what is the plan for the day that I am asked that just seems to highlight my failure to find anything useful to do .i.e. the end of my useful life so in short to summarise , I have been doing a lot of thinking recently snd speaking to my friends about their lives , because I feel I have almost been given a brand new life but with some significant impediments and one of my largest impediments is my memory i.e. of what I was like and how easy I found my life as AndrewBC then and I have asked Olivia if I am just thinking of my life as AndrewBC with rose-tinted glasses and she tells me that I am not and so it goes that I did not wake up in the early hours of the morning worrying about my life and where it was going , I just woke up and got on with my day, and although I think I was always quite interested in what my friends were up to but I think I have become much more inquisitive of what my friends are feeling and thinking a bit like an anthropologist , digging up an ancient civilisation I feel like I am an active observer in to my own life and so it goes that as AndrewAD I Am finding many of my thoughts , feel quite new to me such as the anxiety I feel first thing in the morning , is new to me :and a little bit :like I feel when I am going out , in that:
I now find it quite exhausting meting new people and just socialising – which I am fairly sure I never found as being difficult as AndrewBC , and I have been quite social recently and I felt I just had to have a day rest to myself even though I had not really done anything other than sit and drink and eat some food with friends- it is just another example as if I needed any further confirmation that my tiny neuron is still buggered and another reason I feel exhausted going out and meeting new prope is because when I stand up I must ensure I keep my left knee slightly bent because if I keep it locked straight then that is when I am most art risk of staggering around when I try to turn away and it is thos keping on the bsck of my ,mind whilst I am talking to people that I find so tiring because when I stand up I need to keep in the back of my mind that I need to ensure my let leg is bent ever so slightly bent t the knee because if i keep it locked straight then sure this is when I do not need to worry about falling or staggering whilst talking and I can just concentrate on the conversation
And I ghink I have bitten off more than I can chew again in that I am trying too relearn about what it is to be me and also trying to relearn what it is to be a fully functional independent adult but it is also when I am thinking of retraining to become a life coach as I suspect this will be the fastest way for me to begin helping people again ; and I rather arrogantly think that being an associate professor in medical ethics And law . together with my medical background, should stand me in pretty good stead to be a life coach – and oh yes there is the small aspect of my recent life experience that should also help me and I think I need a life coach because After all I pretty much managed to lose my last one, lost in a surgical bucket and it is his very odd existential thought t that somewhere amongst all of the surgical detritus is my life and all of my life’s experiences ; and whilst I think of this I am left to ponder why I am feeling so worthless but I guess I am one of those people who judges his self-worth by what I can do for others and this most especially includes my family and those I love obviously and whilst I cannot even afford a coffee for myself then I would judge myself as worthless and sure this must seem harsh , but again I would say I will use this in a positively negative way
