MA in marriage and self worth Andrew Ad and Andrew BC

 

 

MA in marriage; tears worth  and Andrew AD and Andrew BC

Now I am trying not  to  think  about this too much  but I  cannot help, it I feel I am    in  such emotional distress: my life has  always been  dedicated to having a job where-by I am  helping other people  and more importantly there  is a career path with a ladder essentially  and  I had this and I have been forced into  retirement And although  I have many friends who have taken voluntary  retirement  I unlike them have been forced into retirement  and I am left  feeling like I imagine all of those students who  do  a marriage degree at university – also known as An arts degree ; when they graduate because  they essentially  are qualified to do not a lot   but the Arts degrees are what   my mother called  marriage degrees for girls because they could go to university and hopefully  meet a nice young  boy with whom they could end up marrying  and; I also  distinctly remember my  mother asking me if I   ever was in a position where I did not have a job and could not get one would I  consider the  army  And I also remember my reply to her  funnily enough   because  this   seemingly  innocuous question   bought on floods of tears with my answer which was I would rather be a criminal than  join the army  –  now I am not a psychologist  but I think my ambivalence towards authority was relatively obvious even then – because  even the government  accepts  that  many of its rules are not going  to be followed , so if there is  tacit acceptance that rules are not  going to be followed ; because why else would they employ a police force and judiciary:

 

 

And also  I am relatively  Amazed  at how other people’s lives seem to be  so  difficult such that I do not  ever remember waking up at  4 in the morning  paranoid that my life was not going anywhere and yet I am told that  it is normal for everyone to wake up with this feeling :

and likewise I know it is not at  all normal, to  be happy  all the time  not even a truckload of prozac could   achieve this but it is also not normal to  wake up petrified of the day  coming because one does  not have any  plan   for the day  and it is this question what is the plan for the day    that I am asked   that   just seems to highlight my   failure to find anything useful to  do  .i.e. the end of my useful life   so in short to summarise , I have been doing a lot of thinking recently snd speaking to my friends about their lives  , because I feel I have almost been  given a  brand new life but with some significant impediments  and one of my largest impediments is my  memory  i.e. of what I was like and how easy I found my life as AndrewBC then  and I have asked Olivia if I am just thinking of my life as  AndrewBC  with rose-tinted glasses and she tells me that I am not    and so it goes that I did not wake up in the early hours of the morning  worrying about my life and where it was going , I just woke up and got on with my day, and although I  think I was always quite interested in  what my friends were up to   but  I think I have become much more inquisitive of what  my friends are feeling and thinking a bit like an anthropologist , digging up  an ancient civilisation I feel like I  am  an active observer in to my own life and so it goes that  as AndrewAD I Am finding many of my thoughts , feel quite new to me such as the anxiety I feel first thing in the morning , is new to me  :and a little bit :like I feel when I am going out , in that:

I now find it quite exhausting meting new people  and just socialising – which I am fairly sure I never found as being  difficult  as  AndrewBC ,  and I  have been quite social recently  and I felt I  just had to have a day rest to myself even though I  had not really done anything other than   sit and drink and eat  some food with friends- it is just another example  as if I  needed any further confirmation that  my  tiny neuron is still buggered and another reason I feel exhausted going out  and meeting new  prope is because when I stand up   I must ensure I keep  my  left knee slightly bent because if I keep it locked straight then  that is when I am most art  risk of  staggering  around when I try to turn away   and it is thos keping on the bsck of my ,mind whilst I am talking to people that I find so tiring  because  when I stand up I need to  keep in the  back of my mind that I need to ensure my let leg is bent ever so  slightly  bent t the knee because if i keep it locked  straight then sure this is when I do not need to worry about falling or staggering  whilst talking and I can just concentrate on the conversation

 

 

 

And I ghink I have bitten off more than I  can chew again  in  that I am  trying too  relearn about what it is to be me and also trying to relearn what it is to be a fully functional independent adult  but it is also  when  I am thinking of retraining to become a  life coach as I suspect this will be the fastest way for me to begin helping people again ; and I rather arrogantly think that being an associate professor in medical ethics And law . together with my medical background, should stand me in pretty good stead to be a life coach – and oh yes there is  the  small  aspect of my recent life experience that should also help me and I think I need a life coach because After  all I pretty much managed to lose my  last one,  lost in a surgical bucket   and it is  his  very odd existential thought t that somewhere  amongst all of the surgical detritus is my life and all of my life’s  experiences ; and whilst I  think of this I am  left to ponder why I  am feeling so worthless but I guess  I am one of those people who judges his self-worth by what I  can  do for others   and this most especially includes my family  and those I love obviously and whilst I cannot even afford a coffee for myself then I would judge myself  as  worthless and sure this must seem harsh , but again I would say I  will  use this in a positively negative way

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