distress MA in marriage

 

MA in marriage

Now I am trying not  to  think  about this too much  but I  cannot help, it I feel I am    in  such emotional distress, in  that  my life has  always been  dedicated to having a job where-by I am  helping other people  and more importantly there  is a career path with a ladder essentially  and  I had this and I have been forced into  retirement And although  I have many friends who have taken voluntary  retirement  I unlike them I have been forced into retirement  and I am feeling like I imagine all of those students who  do  a marriage degree at university – also known as An arts degree ; when they graduate they essentially  are qualified to do not a lot not  my mother called the arts degrees marriage degrees for girls because they could go to university and hopefully  meet a nice young  boy whom they could end up marrying  and; I also  distinctly remember my  mother asking me if I   ever was in a position where I did not have a job and could not get one would I  consider the  army  And I also remember my reply to her  funnily enough   because  this   seemingly  innocuous question   bought on floods of tears with my answer which was I would rather be a criminal than  join the army  – I am not sure but I think my ambivalence towards authority was relatively obvious even then – because  even the government  accepts  that  many of its rules are not going  to be followed , so if there is  tacit acceptance that rules are not  going to be followed ; why else would they employ a police force and judiciary  and I am relatively  Amazed  at how other people’s lives seem to be  so  difficult such that I do not  ever remember waking up at  4 in the morning  paranoid that my life was not going anywhere and yet I am told that  it is normal for everyone to wake up with this feeling :

and likewise I know it is not at  all normal, to  be happy  all the time  not even a truckload of prozac could achieve this but it is also not normal to  wake up petrified of the day  coming because one does  not have any  plan   for the day  and it is this question what is the plan for the day    that I am asked   that   just seems to highlight my   failure to find anything useful to  do  .i.e. the end of my useful life   so in short to summarise , I have been doing a lot of thinking recently snd speaking to my friends about their lives  , because I feel I have almost been  given a  brand new life but with some significant impediments  and one of my largest impediments is my  memory  i.e of what I was like and how easy I found my life then  and I have asked Olivia if I am just thinking of my life as  AndrewBC  with rose-tinted glasses and she tells me that I am not    and so it goes that I did not wake up in the early hours of the morning  worrying about my life and where it was going , I just woke up and got on with my day, and although I  think I was always quite interested in  what my friends were up to   but  I think I have become much ,ore inquisitive of what  my friends are feeling and thinking a bit like an anthropologist , digging up  an ancient civilisation I feel like I  am  an active observer in to my own life and so it goes that I Am finding many of my thoughts , feel quite new to me such as rhe anxiety I feel first thing in the morning a little bit :like I feel when I am going out , in that:

I now find it quite exhausting meting new people  and just socialising – which I am fairly sure I never found as being  difficult  as  AndrewBC ,  and I  have been quite social recently  and I felt I  just had to have a day rest to myself even though I  had not really done anything other than   sit and drink and eat with some food with friends- it is just another example  as if I  needed any further confirmation that  my  tiny neuron is still buggered  and I am thinking of retraining to become a  life coach as I suspect this will be the fastest way for me to begin helping people again ; and I rather arrogantly think that being an associate professor in medical ethics And law . together with my medical background, should stand me in pretty good stead to be a life coach – and oh yes there is the small aspect of my recent life experience that should also help me

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