MA in marriage
Now I am trying not to think about this too much but I cannot help, it I feel I am in such emotional distress, in that my life has always been dedicated to having a job where-by I am helping other people and more importantly there is a career path with a ladder essentially and I had this and I have been forced into retirement And although I have many friends who have taken voluntary retirement I unlike them I have been forced into retirement and I am feeling like I imagine all of those students who do a marriage degree at university – also known as An arts degree ; when they graduate they essentially are qualified to do not a lot not my mother called the arts degrees marriage degrees for girls because they could go to university and hopefully meet a nice young boy whom they could end up marrying and; I also distinctly remember my mother asking me if I ever was in a position where I did not have a job and could not get one would I consider the army And I also remember my reply to her funnily enough because this seemingly innocuous question bought on floods of tears with my answer which was I would rather be a criminal than join the army – I am not sure but I think my ambivalence towards authority was relatively obvious even then – because even the government accepts that many of its rules are not going to be followed , so if there is tacit acceptance that rules are not going to be followed ; why else would they employ a police force and judiciary and I am relatively Amazed at how other people’s lives seem to be so difficult such that I do not ever remember waking up at 4 in the morning paranoid that my life was not going anywhere and yet I am told that it is normal for everyone to wake up with this feeling :
and likewise I know it is not at all normal, to be happy all the time not even a truckload of prozac could achieve this but it is also not normal to wake up petrified of the day coming because one does not have any plan for the day and it is this question what is the plan for the day that I am asked that just seems to highlight my failure to find anything useful to do .i.e. the end of my useful life so in short to summarise , I have been doing a lot of thinking recently snd speaking to my friends about their lives , because I feel I have almost been given a brand new life but with some significant impediments and one of my largest impediments is my memory i.e of what I was like and how easy I found my life then and I have asked Olivia if I am just thinking of my life as AndrewBC with rose-tinted glasses and she tells me that I am not and so it goes that I did not wake up in the early hours of the morning worrying about my life and where it was going , I just woke up and got on with my day, and although I think I was always quite interested in what my friends were up to but I think I have become much ,ore inquisitive of what my friends are feeling and thinking a bit like an anthropologist , digging up an ancient civilisation I feel like I am an active observer in to my own life and so it goes that I Am finding many of my thoughts , feel quite new to me such as rhe anxiety I feel first thing in the morning a little bit :like I feel when I am going out , in that:
I now find it quite exhausting meting new people and just socialising – which I am fairly sure I never found as being difficult as AndrewBC , and I have been quite social recently and I felt I just had to have a day rest to myself even though I had not really done anything other than sit and drink and eat with some food with friends- it is just another example as if I needed any further confirmation that my tiny neuron is still buggered and I am thinking of retraining to become a life coach as I suspect this will be the fastest way for me to begin helping people again ; and I rather arrogantly think that being an associate professor in medical ethics And law . together with my medical background, should stand me in pretty good stead to be a life coach – and oh yes there is the small aspect of my recent life experience that should also help me
