rehab

Right: now ,I know my physical rehab has finished and despite  that I still have my huge perceptual problems such as when I am manoeuvring between chair s in a restaurant,  and  as well there is the lack of any sensation in my hand which makes; having any dexterity impossible  because I need to be able to look at my hand or see my fingers to know what they are doing  and sure my hand is marginally better than a club but it is only marginal
And I must admit that my rehab has been a long period of time where I am just feeling constantly exhausted but. I,  just feel I have so much still  to work on and I   cannot sit around vegetating ;after all I did that exceptionally  well, when I was in hospital in my  coma and I am constantly  accused of being impatient but I just reply that patience is  for people in hospital and I  know that  sitting  around will do  absolutely nothing for my rehab and I am most definitely not a troglodyte  after all I have too much so much  to work on  I just feel I am obliged to do very thing I can possibly do to get better and whilst there’s still something  to do  I  feel I cannot relax and I do also wonder if this is the reason I am so desperate to be with l my wife  again because  that will signify so much for me. I will truly be able to  put this whole very sorry saga  in the past And  it  is also why I need to have a new girlfriend because it is not normal to keep on   the go literally every second of the  day every minute of every day and when I say on the  go I mean I am  chopping up my vegetables for my supper and this is  mostly just because it allows me to practice using my left hand  and it is  also why I like vegetables  so much and whilst I am planning what to eat  I think about what is good for my hand, because  I am most certainly not a vegan  or a kiddy torturer(as I prefer to  call the vegans- I mean  what Parent  Takes their kid to a beach and does not let them  have an ice-cream     , and for instance when I go  for a run or a walk  I hold a sweat band in my left hand  the bugger , just so  that  I can practice using  the bugger and holding an object such that  I am  trying  to manipulate the objects in my hand trying to move the object in my  palm or  around my palm   so  that  I am using different  aspects of my hand and I am not a robot as much as I must sound  like one at the  moment  at the ,moment because I mean just think about it . who in their fright mind would design a robot as fucked as me.  So, this morning I went for a run and it was another cracker of day I faliforna as I like to call Falmouth. and whilst running sure I was still manipulating the object in my bugger.  But I could at  least appreciate that it  was a  glorious winters morning and the  sun was slowly rising above the horizon  which was the sea, an  azure blue in the   e distance  with the  e glorious sun shine a  bright yellow  orange slither  separating the  blighter and brighter blue of the sky from the  more moody blue of the sea in the distance and I just need  to be able to rest- be that with liv or with someone else , and someone wo  I can enjoy these infinitesimally small  victories with   like when I beat one of the scares at chess or my son   I will   finally be able to  sit down and relax with her. . and it is this sort of  determination that  I am very thankful   for  because I would  just  be proving those buggers and supposed experts correct, who  all  wrote me off as being a  vegetable or worse in a  persistent vegetive, state and one of my  colleagues said to  my wife that there was only about a 30percent chance of me ever   being able to dress myself independanyly again: I mean what  complete load of  rubbish I mean 30% where on earth did he get that  statistic from well I can  answer that  for you  he got it  from a place  where the sun does not shine  my god my life is so  difficult just now because of all  the extra work I  need to  do  just to  give the appearance of functioning normally  and   I use one of my colleagues statistic every time I am struggling to do up my buttons on  my shirt to spur me on but I feel  I have not been  left with any choice and so this is  another reason  why I  am so hard on myself such that when I get up from the chair my left leg is always slow to kick in and it means I can Also topple over to my left side so I need to recognise this  as a possibility  and I guess j that just now is  all I need to  do  is to recognise it  as   a possibility and this  is some of the reason that I am told I am so unusual  but I hasten to add that it is only some  of the  reason and even I can see that  my rehab has  almost come to an end  but I  would argue  that I am far from  the  finished article as much as  any an Australian can ever be a finished article  unless of course you  are  referring  to me when I  was  lying  nearly dead by the roadside  in  st Mawes well  then.  I could certainly be described as being almost a finished article and I am definitely not
And I guess I am getting slightly sick of all the compliments I am receiving about my recovery but I just see a body that is still buggered  and  Although I am better and alive now no one can  dispute that not  even me  but I want so much more than what I have now and I just see people who are paid to be around me or people who are so worried about me And can and cannot do.  As opposed to just being like any other adult. Who just gets on with their day.   but I do not see anything remarkable because this is just the hand that I have been dealt and I have just had to do the best I can with it. I had no choice as I see it; it was deal with it or give up, and die and in many ways, I was too selfish to die because I wanted to see my kids some more and I still harboured some desire for my wife and I still do but even I have to accept that boat Has sailed.  But still I just feel a very strong desire to be with liv again and I felt that I had married her for life and I am desperately sorry that liv sees it as a sentence but what can one do.  And all through this I I have also been desperately trying to not think about what we could have been and what we could have done for our children I and we are just more bricks in the head injury wall.  And despite being one who has possibly defied the experts but what is an expert when their field is one so poorly understood or so little is known how far one can recover and it is this that I hope will give some people some greater knowledge about brain injury or some greater hope.  And the key is to have the determination and perseverance  and as I  am at the end of my physical rehab what if liv and I well  I think that we are still very very good friends with a very good history, and I  just think that we were so  very strong  on n our wedding day but we were just two  very very small people  confronted with a  catastrophic train  crash  and I also  hasten  to add tthat liv is much smaller than me standing in at a diminutive 5 foot 6

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